when a final decision had to be made

We headed to our clinic the very next morning after landing and we were just determined to start now. We had waited since January to do this IVF and it was the 1st day of October already! We wanted to see our baby’s flickering heartbeat and have a healthy pregnancy resulting in our precious bundle of joy. We just wanted that desperately.

The down regulation started and soon enough the stimulation started and the egg collection was done by end October. We had 19 eggs collected and they were doing brilliant. We were ecstatic!

5 days past the egg collection we received the clinic’s call and they told us they wanted to see our embryos grow more and we were scheduled for a day 6 transfer.

On the 6th day past egg collection we headed to the clinic. Don’t they say the mother always knows about her babies? Well I had a sudden feeling that day that maybe my embryos hadn’t done well and I became worried. We kept waiting in the waiting area and my nervousness kept increasing. I kept on telling my husband that I had a bad feeling about the embryos but he kept telling me to stop being paranoid. Then an embryologist saw us and gave us the much dreaded news that the embryos hadn’t proceeded since day 4 and were still morulas! We were shattered and devastated. It was November and we had waited to do this IVF cycle since January and today after all the months we had NOTHING to transfer?

They told us to wait for a few more hours to see embryo growth – Of course I had no hope but we just had to wait hopelessly. We waited for 5 hours and finally I was told my embryo transfer would be done. I didn’t want to transfer embryos that were of no good but I was finally introduced to Mr T today and he did the transfer and convinced us that the embryos had grown significantly since the morning. I don’t understand what had  made him lie to us and secondly all the months when I was getting treated I never got to see him or hear from him and today just to make me a bit hopeful about the clinic’s concern regarding my embryos -they made Mr T do the transfer.

I am not here trying to bad mouth the ARGC due to my bad eggs – I have had failed multiple times at other clinics but I have never been treated this way by any clinic and what I really didn’t like about them was their irresponsibility at all times and how I used to keep waiting and be stressed just to hear from them regarding further protocol over the last couple of months. A patient is supposed to be kept calm and stress free but these guys gave me more of the opposites. I used to keep reading bad reviews about their chaotic clinic here and there asides the success stories but the huge amount of success stories made me feel ‘it will be all okay and I shouldn’t worry about other things asides my treatment outcome.’

10 days past transfer our BFN news came crashing upon us and we were destroyed. In a foreign country, having had tried so hard since months and having spent tonnes of thousands of Pounds – we had nothing yet. Absolutely nothing.

I decided to finally go for donor eggs and continue with my life. I hated the donor eggs option because I felt the child wont be ‘mine’ but I wanted to live a happy and complete life now – I had been through way too many drugs and hurt myself way too many times with too much of hope. I had decided and so had my husband – only difference was he and I had decided differently. He wanted to remarry a second time (which is completely acceptable in Asian culture) and I wanted to take up donor eggs. So now we weren’t on the same page.

 

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Author: When You Cant Give Up

Its been 4 and a half years since my first attempt to have a baby, still going on with little success a long the way. I have done 4 Clomid rounds, 4 IUI's, 6 ICSI's and a couple of herbal remedies. Despite the heartbreak and pain, I am not willing to stop trying harder. Deep inside I feel that our bundle of joy will come sooner or later if I remain patient and continue to tweak my treatment after every failed attempt. This feeling has stopped me from giving up and brought me so far so soon. Hence, I call my blog "When you cant give up".

3 thoughts on “when a final decision had to be made”

  1. Wow! I’m sorry you have been through so much! I am admittedly not familiar with Asian culture but the idea of your husband marrying again seems very hard. I hope everything has/will work out for you.

    Like

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