I spent the entire night crying and trying to convince my husband not to bring a third person between us but something had gotten into him and he just didn’t seem to care. It was a terrible night. I finally went to sleep at 4 am convinced that he had made his decision and I had to quit and start a new life. So it had been 5 and half years since we had married and we were already looking at separation because we couldn’t have a baby after trying for 4 years. Lots of couples went on to have natural conceptions 8-10 years into marriage, no one I knew separated this early! What a sad moment it was. It made me feel worthless, unwanted and angry. I had always been praised for my looks and due to God’s will when I was unable to conceive, I was treated like a piece of junk.
When I woke up after passing that terrible night, I kept myself reserved with him and I had made my decision too. My crying until 4 in the morning made him realize it was wrong to abandon me like that and he told me he had taken an appointment for the London Women’s Clinic on Harley street for donor eggs! Of course I was still hurt from the night before but I became a bit relaxed. My husband was willing to hold my hand till the very end – I had to hold it tighter and never let it go.
We went to this amazing clinic for our appointment and the doctor convinced us on our decision and by the end of the appointment we were completely relaxed and actually even had a donor who could start her stimulation within 2 weeks! We were amazed at how things proceeded at our new clinic – the nurses were more responsible, the doctors were available for every matter and most importantly, they were always one step ahead of us in following up on things with us. It was a completely different experience.
Although I was finally doing donor eggs, I used to doubt my feelings about truly loving the baby that I would have in my belly and then in my life. I wanted to truly love my child and not feel that I used donor eggs. At that moment, I didn’t know or realize how much I really loved my donor eggs. I myself found out later.