Back after 2 months

I haven’t written since my last post in June. I was visiting my in laws for all this while and am finally back home. I don’t feel like talking much about my trip because it was full of stress and saddening days. My husband tries hard to keep us happy but of course being an Asian naturally gets me into a tough spot with the in laws because ‘I haven’t conceived’ since 6 years of marriage. Anyhow, that sad trip is over so I shouldn’t remember it now.

So I traveled to London while I was at my in laws place just to get my LIT done. I was in London for a mere 6 hours but the journey to go and be back took me a day and half. My parents supported me a lot during this time, I pretended that I was going to stay with them. It was a big step we took, but it worked out well. My LIT was done just as Dr.Gorgy wants it to be done – 2 weeks ahead of transfer! So cheers for that!

So my cycle started while I was in London – I got my Day 2 scan done and started the estrogen pills. Cant believe the 2 month waiting period has ended since my chemical pregnancy in May 2016.

I got my cytokines retested last week and they are at their highest – higher than what I was when I initially began treatment in 2015. My TH1/TH2 is at 60 now! I am very annoyed and pissed off at how nothing seems to be working. I am on a dairy free, gluten free diet. I barely eat out or even watch people eat sugary things let alone eating sugary stuff. I have completely ended my life due to the treatment – we don’t shop or spend or relax. we don’t go out for holidays. All I do is go to London for treatment leaving my husband alone at home and in the end don’t even get a result.

The truth is I am giving up now. Enough of ‘When you cant give up’. Literally all doors seem to be closing upon me. After going for donor eggs I thought my nightmare had ended and especially in May my amazing cytokine report convinced me that this was going to be it. But no – life isn’t as easy and simple. Despite controlling my diet – I am worse than ever. I do IVIG or intralipids every 3 weeks. It is financially scraping us now. I did Humira in March and even that medicine is Super expensive. S0 guess what?

Since I have already started the drugs (estrogen pills, prednisolone, clexane) and done IVIG just this week and paid for my hotel and air tickets to London – I will go ahead with my transfer. IF it doesn’t work now – I will leave my last frozen embryo in the freezer for sometime in the future and go ahead with surrogacy. Enough of hurting myself, my body, our emotions, our marriage , our young ages and our bank balance.

Final go to London for now. Pray for me guys, I am broken now.