First of all I’d like to thank all of you for being such loving blog followers and for all your kind words and support at all times.
Well today was supposed to be my third donor embryo transfer this year but due to the elevated cytokines, Dr. Gorgy cancelled it.
Maybe I would have wasted my embryo and got really upset by seeing another BFN despite switching to donor eggs.
So now the plan is to work on my cytokines and test in a few days time. If the result is great, I’ll transfer in the September cycle. I am beginning to think the depressing June and July trip to the in laws place made my cytokines flare. Our inner feelings really impact our health. Whenever I am positive and happy, my result turns out good or just fine. Whenever I am depressed, my result is not even worth looking at.
So now I am staying happy, eating all the anti inflammatory things , working out, keeping a positive and healthy frame of mind and above all I am keeping a strong faith. Everyone who tried as hard did really get through and get what they wanted. I should believe in myself and not let myself down. I have always wanted to see that flicker in the 6 week scan, hear the heartbeat in the Doppler, carry my baby in my belly, experience those wonderful kicks and movements, crave foods, watch those amazing ultrasounds, see my baby move, eat and jump in the scan, go to MY baby shower, mask my face with the pregnancy glow, shop for my baby while he/she is moving inside my belly and I take it as his or her approval or disapproval for things, experience the moment of delivery and child birth – when anything and everything is about you and your child, experience that moment when I hold my baby for the first time that was inside me for 9 months and keep him or her on my naked body to make my baby feel the comfort and touch of his/her mother! I want my husband to rub my belly with love and satisfaction and take care of me /us because he is happy not because we are sad and undergoing treatment. I think with such deep feelings inside I am not ready as yet for surrogacy. I am only 25 and my life is putting me through things that someone over 35 doesn’t have to go through either.
My body has got me feeling insulted and less of myself. The stares and glances of the world including of my in laws makes me feel like I am not blessed and forsaken. My husband’s younger brother who married 2 years after us had a baby girl last year -my in laws really appreciate his wife and child and make me feel very bad about myself and my body. In front of me she was given the super treatment that I always longed for but due to infertility I could only watch others pamper her and treat me with bad looks and words at the same time. I don’t have any jealousy towards anyone, I just want my fair share of happiness and importance. I was a very loving daughter in law but now it seems like I am the bad person and unimportant.
Enough depressing talk about the past, I just wish I succeed and my hard work pays off. When you cant give up..