Stepping ahead

So I have been testing everyday since 6 days post FET. All have been negative. But I am really not devastated. Even before I had made my first test this go, I had decided that no matter what the outcome.. we will raise a child be it from my belly or some other route.

Just minutes later I knew my result and I knew what to do. Personally speaking I am so happy I made that decision because that very decision had me smiling on the day of my negative test. True wonder.

For the first time in so many months or years I feel relieved of the stress or pressure to fall pregnant. I now realise what levels of hidden stress I was facing. I am noticing that I am very chatty since the last 2 days and hey I am sleeping way better. I also feel life is too pleasant not to be enjoyed… I have truly missed out on a lot. Whenever friends or family told me not to take stress … I never really understood that I was facing hidden stress asides the stress that I was actually facing. Does what I am saying make sense? I am sure you all understand where I am coming from.

I have been questioning myself…

Q) If any of my fertile friends were to face all the treatments that I have without gaining any success.. what would have she done?

A) she would have opted for a surrogate baby after the first few failed ivfs and never done this life threatening immunes treatment. (I haven’t created this answer myself). My friends say it all the time that we can never think of what you are doing to yourself. At those difficult heart breaking moments I used to think ‘you guys dont know the entire picture. But if you were to face my situation you would have tried as hard also because failing without trying is harder than failing after having tried so hard’.

Q) Do I want a baby who is from a surrogate but healthy or a baby who is from me but not healthy (a friend’s child has Downs Syndrome)?

A) My immediate answer was a healthy baby

So its clear now. To be honest I am even beginning to think if I am infertile at all. Our 50% DQA match is the reason why I havent been able to conceive in my last 9 treatments or in the last 5 years. My husband and I are too used to eachother to start of new lives with different partners, we have spent 6 years together building this arranged marriage into a healthy loving marriage. We have passed through times of extreme tight account balance and yet managed to pass through all of it constantly trying to save up for medical bills. We have passed through tough times when my in-laws tried to force him against me and break us apart. We have endured everything together and for eachother. I just want to hold a baby now, who will most probably be his child but from a surrogate. I am not going to rely on my eggs anymore or do any further treatments based on my eggs because I am polycystic and too paranoid about failures. Right now I just want a bundle of joy.

Just to enjoy 9 months of pregnancy, I have not enjoyed 5 years of my beautiful young age (21-26) when I could have achieved so much emotionally, spiritually, financially , materialisticaly and of course professionally.

We have found a surrogacy agency in Greece, where we had our honeymoon. Guess the honeymoon place always has something to do with the couple’s future. Starting the legal documenting process this week. Wish us luck and remember us in your prayers.

Some of the fellow bloggers were quite supportive in my last post. Thank you for making me realise that surrogacy is not giving up it means moving a step forward. Thank you for being such good friends who I doubt I will ever meet but pray for at odd times. May all of us be blessed soon with our bundle of joys.

 

Cheers

 

Looks like it wont be…my unanswered answered prayer

Today was Day6 post transfer and I used a First response test. I think it will be a negative this go. The test was negative. In May when I had tested 6 days past ET I had a good line pop up within 2 minutes…. so I guess this cycle is gone..

Really beginning to wonder why I am so unlucky at conceiving.. where did I go wrong? I think I am really dying to have a baby in my arms now and treatments have bashed me apart. I am really not able to bear seeing my friends get pregnant, have babies, see babies grow every weekend, then hear about another friend who’s pregnant again… then she delivers .. then her child grows… then the one who’s had babies before falls pregnant ..delivers.. her baby grows.. then the cycle goes on and on between all of them but I have never been able to get into that loop. So I guess I’ll throw all the clexane, prednisolone, hydroxychloroquinine away and start looking at surrogates.

No more backing down. As much as I wanted a successful blog .. I think at this very moment I want sanity. Today is my birthday.. every year on my birthday since last 3 consecutive years, my treatment results come out. So I haven’t celebrated since 3 years. As far as my faith is concerned this must my unanswered answered prayer. I always prayed for a healthy baby. Maybe my prayer has been answered and my belly is too poisonous for my child. So I wont be able to carry one. Prayer has been answered.

I don’t dine out with my friends or family due to my diet.. I dont snack, I dont spend on myself because I do not work and we have to save for treatments.. so I guess now I’ll just aim at having a baby in my arms. I have to order fake bellies. Real show for the inlaws to watch 👍

Waiting to meet our frozen one

So, time to talk about positive things. My AF arrived exactly on time , we had the process started on day 2 of my cycle. All the scans have come out good so far. Praise to the Lord. Today my progesterone suppositories started.. so the countdown to London has started.

I was just relaxing on the couch right now when I remebered to update my blog. I am feeling very impatient right now and constantly going through my phone’s calendar just to check how many days until my embryo transfer.

We cant spend on air travel , treatments etc so I will be going alone. Hoping to bring this sticky one home and finally be pregnant for a good 8-9 months. Pray for me guys.

Much love

A