Dont know what to do

So I have constantly been trying not to think about it but it is eventually gonna happen soon – my father in law will be visiting our country for business and will be staying with us. He usually stays for 5 days and he comes every 5-6 months. I am not writing about it because I don’t like his presence – I am writing because since my ARGC failure last year in Nov’15 he has been giving us and especially me a very hard time. He being the head of the family (like in Asian culture) has told or ordered everyone to show me a cold shoulder. He tries very hard to convince my husband to remarry by giving him stupid examples of people who never had kids. Meaning, he tries to depress him and make him hopeless so we fight and separate or something along the lines of that. I recently started to become more open on my blog, in my starting posts I never mentioned what agony they put us through. To wrap it up, not only does he do all the above, he maintains this ugly silence everytime I am around. He just doesnt utter a single word and makes it very awkward. Its like pin drop silence. 😐

Before my failure last year (although he hated me then also cuz I had’t become pregnant in 5 years of marriage) he never showed his anger or behaved like he does now. He used to take us out for dinner and shopping. It used to be amazing to have him. In return I used to send presents with him for my mother in law and take good care of him. However, this time suddenly he has decided to come for 8 days which means 2 weekends will be involved. On weekends it is even tougher to face him because there is no office and he just remains on the couch all day long – making it very tough for me to even go to the lounge. Forget about sitting with him and chatting with him.

To make it worse, he always blames me for not phoning him or messaging him? I dont understand how am I supposed to talk to him on the phone when he doesnt even speak to me while he is around. Even if I do call him all he does is talk in a cold way. Everytime I have phoned him and asked him how he is, his reply is yeah I am fine , you must be fine too. 

I dont understand what am I supposed to talk about to such a mean person. Anyway so due to his extremely rude text messages in August, I stopped talking to him. Not due to disrespect for him but due to having had enough of crap.In brief, his messages were something like “My relationship with you isnt like it used to be. My son is my eldest and I had dreams for him. Although none of us asked for this”. I wanted to bash him that even I didnt ask for infertility but whats the reason for being so cold. You started all this rude behavior, what have I done? 

What reply was he expecting from me? Something like “I am so sorry, its my fault. I will convince my husband to listen to you and start over”? I have beaten myself over getting treatment after treatment and all these people see is me wasting their son’s life and time.

In summers, we were visiting my in laws for 2 whole months and it was a nightmare for me. He gave me a terrible time by boasting my husband’s brother’s wife and their daughter. On face it didnt seem to be bugging me because I was secretly preparing for a transfer immediately after leaving from their place but at the end of 2 months I literally broke down. It was too much of nonsense. 

So now he has found an excuse against me. He says “she doesnt respect me or call me”. I really dont know how to tell this bully that what he’s been doing would also make a 2 yr old run away from such an adult, what does he expect from me?

So well I am dreading him coming here from next weekend. I think this time if he tells me off I will tell him that to talk to you a person needs a hell lot of courage. I have tried and failed to make you happy , I brought flowers for you without any valid reason and you didnt even acknlowedge them. I feel insulted and unwanted. 

Anyway he has a very strong personality, I hope I can talk well and put my words right. 

In the meantime my husband has asked me to ring him up before he arrives. So I guess it will be tonight.

Moving on, today my father asked me how I was and I just snapped saying “Dont ask me again and again, I dont want to talk about it because theres no positive update for me to give you”. He said I am just generally asking. I still replied “I just dont want to talk about it all the time”. I felt terrible for talking like that to my father who asked me. My parents mean the world to me and I talked to my father like that. Maybe I am just tired of bearing too much and dont want to talk about it. Yet I have made a super long post for you guys, when you cant give up…

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Author: When You Cant Give Up

Its been 4 and a half years since my first attempt to have a baby, still going on with little success a long the way. I have done 4 Clomid rounds, 4 IUI's, 6 ICSI's and a couple of herbal remedies. Despite the heartbreak and pain, I am not willing to stop trying harder. Deep inside I feel that our bundle of joy will come sooner or later if I remain patient and continue to tweak my treatment after every failed attempt. This feeling has stopped me from giving up and brought me so far so soon. Hence, I call my blog "When you cant give up".

14 thoughts on “Dont know what to do”

  1. I am so sorry to read this, it is heartbreaking – none of this is your fault and he sounds like a very cruel man. With everything you have going on this is completely unfair for you to have to deal with. I can only hope that his visit isn’t as bad as you hope. You will get through it- thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a dick. Your husband needs to stand up for you, his wife. Forget cultural norms, this is outright mean and he should not be allowed to set foot in your home if he’s going to be nasty and abusive. You CAN take charge- you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity no matter what.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. So how can you guys change that? Just remember that this is your life and sometimes sacrifices need to be made so that you can be free and happy together as a couple. Life is too short to be miserable and to be treated like crap. Not trying to oversimplify it just encouraging risk 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I understand how that is like coming from Asian family. Few of my friends have similar experience as you, they were being blamed for not being able to get pregnant or having miscarriage. In the end, this deeply roots in the Asian culture and not enough knowledge for them to really understand what it takes to have a baby. Regardless, remember ultimately it is you and your husband, as long as he loves you then I know you will not give up. Don’t let your father in-law make you think less of yourself. It is not worth it. I know it is so hard when you can not avoid the presence and things he says. I feel really sorry for you. Always be here if you need someone to talk to.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thanks for all comments. Although he is very knowledgeable – he has pretty sound knowledge about most of the things and good belief in his Lord and how He creates. But here he is just blaming my womb.
    Of course at some point in life I had started blaming myself for this infertility crap and I used to hate my barren womb and body. But now i have gone past way tooo much and now no matter who says what or does…i have become numb to it

    Like

  5. Wow, your father in law is acting so horribly. Going through infertility you need people to be supportive! I think your husband needs to talk to his Dad about his bad behaviour and stick by you more. Have you heard of https://captainawkward.com/ by the way? People write in their questions on how to handle difficult situations and there is a lot of topics on difficult family members. You might find something helpful there. Sending you a big hug. Sorry you are going through this on top of everything!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha. Captainawkward. 😃 my father in law should be named captain awkward 😉 my husband has stuck by me throughout last yr. His father is mean to him also but lesser to him than me of course. We just want to adopt silence for now and let him do as he likes. Really hoping all his behavior gets him ashamed and we get blessed with our bundle of joy by being patient

      Like

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