Its been 5 years now

From denial to accepting to embracing “Yes, I am the 1 in 4”

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I just realised right now that its November 2016 – which means its been exact 5 years since we started trying and still no baby to cuddle with.

I have certainly changed a lot since my infertility journey began… I remember I was a complete mess when I first found out I had PCOs. Reading posts about difficulties with conceiving with PCOs on Babycentre made me cry and go mad. I was just 21 then and I really didn’t know my journey would be this long and difficult. I didn’t tell anyone about my difficulties – I used to be sad but I was very impatient so I had immediately decided to try clomid as soon as I was found to have PCOs. I didnt tell my in-laws (who were very nice then) or my parents. I just told 2-3 close girl friends and they told me they were dealing with PCOs too so I shouldn’t worry much. Thinking about it all is making me laugh right now. I hope when I remember these days in my future, I get to laugh at myself while my child is playing around.

I used to be very insecure about my infertility news spreading amongst relatives. Asian culture is very crazy, no one sits back to mind their own business – everyone just survives by talking about others. Lol. That was one reason why I wasn’t too public about my cause of sadness.

I jumped onto IUIs after 3 cycles of Clomid – because I just wanted to succeed ASAP. I trusted my body but I didn’t want to delay having a baby so I was giving my best shot. All my married friends were pregnant so I really wanted to join their league – I failed and they all delivered and got their bundle of joys.

Then we started our IVFs. Failure after failure, I was worse than ever. I used to cry to sleep every night, lost my appetite and used to hate my body and blame myself for being so unlucky. I was a terrible mess – constantly losing hope in my treatments working out for me and still scared of being talked about by others. I stopped meeting relatives and deactivated my FB account so people wouldn’t have the chance to talk about me.I started getting scared of my in-laws and my husband. I truly loved him but he was coming under his parents influence to remarry and keep me on the side. I used to be feeling lots of anxiety regarding all of it and I kept on doing worse at every succeeding IVF. All 6 of my IVFs resulted in complete failures and finally I went on to get donor eggs. 

I remember I was really angry at my husband for suggesting donor eggs when my 5th cycle failed badly but after the 6th cycle I had no choice but to beg him to pay for donor eggs for me. My situation had changed within a few months, from being angry at the idea to begging for it.

I started my blog in March 2016 and since then I have met such amazing people/supporters/unseen friends who are always there to comfort me when I am upset or miserable. I have certainly realised that infertility is not my fault and I shouldn’t stop loving myself. I have started to take care of myself, I eat healthy, I work out to have a positive mindset. Overall, I don’t hate myself anymore or even shed a single tear. I have become very strong and I am able to face the mean stuff thrown at me. Yes, I am the 1 in 4. I have become grateful and appreciative and I can never ever be inconsiderate of others feelings or conditions. I feel I am a much caring and loving person – not that I wasn’t before but maybe extremely cautious now. If I hadn’t been chosen to experience the unique 1 in 4 position – I doubt  I would have changed as much as I have within a few years. 

I started transferring my donor egg embryos since January 2016 and so far I have had just 1 chemical pregnancy and now I am going ahead with my last donor egg embryo.

I cannot explain how much I love these embryos, I always struggled with the idea of donor eggs but it doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I just want a healthy child who is from me and is for us. I wish someday my dream gets fulfilled, I am really longing for it. My ray of hope hasn’t died. Today I found myself asking my husband where we will keep our baby’s crib.. When you JUST LITERALLY cant give up! 

Author: When You Cant Give Up

Its been 4 and a half years since my first attempt to have a baby, still going on with little success a long the way. I have done 4 Clomid rounds, 4 IUI's, 6 ICSI's and a couple of herbal remedies. Despite the heartbreak and pain, I am not willing to stop trying harder. Deep inside I feel that our bundle of joy will come sooner or later if I remain patient and continue to tweak my treatment after every failed attempt. This feeling has stopped me from giving up and brought me so far so soon. Hence, I call my blog "When you cant give up".

13 thoughts on “Its been 5 years now”

  1. I completed get what you are saying. Few of my friends that have PCOS and had two kids now. They all told me not to worry. It will happen. Blah blah blah. It has been close to 5 years now for us too (Christmas will be 5 years). I was always really concerned about it, but not a doctor took me seriously. I had to tell GYN that I suspect I have PCOS then she said she will run some tests. Although we didn’t start seeing RE until this year but here we are almost the end of the year and getting nowhere. I can only imagine your frustration after so long. But like you said, infertility changes people, make you stronger and more patience. Understanding there are things you can not control. Blogging has been a really good way to get connected with others and get support. Sending love your way!!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. On the back of my mind,there is always the thought that what if I started seeing RE earlier? Would it make a big difference? But I can not turn back time. I hope for you 5 years is all you need to wait for your bundle of joy. It will make you love your future baby so much more because of the infertility journey.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You cant change the past or the future no matter what . If you had seen re much earlier – u would have been much more frustrated than u might be now because of no success

    Yes i think infertility makes one realise the worth more.. so for sure i feel i will love my baby more after experiencing the pains of infertility

    Thanks for your well wishes. I wish the same for you. Less than 5 years for you

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  3. I just read your entire blog. You have been on quite a journey. You deserve a medal for your strength. You should be really proud of how far you’ve come. I’m wishing you everything of the best with this next transfer because goodness me, you’ve been though enough.
    And I’m sorry that your father in law is the way he is. I understand that culturally you have to deal with very difficult things. Even if he doesn’t think very highly of you, you have a whole group of women here who think you are awesome and who think you’re already a mother because you are clearly moving mountains for your child. xx

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    1. Thank you for such highly spoken words about me.! Trust me, i hvnt done much or been through much..or maybe i have just overcome the pain of it all and become strong.
      Thanks for ur well wishes. Wishing you both the very best too!

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  4. You’ve been through so much already. I also felt a lot of shame about my infertility at the start but now I am starting to be able to be more open about it (among friends). That said, most of our relations don’t know… I had hoped that the first IVF would just work and then I was thinking I might tell people, oh by the way we had to have IVF to have our child and it was a long journey. The idea of telling people now that we are dealing with infertility and have no idea if we’ll ever be able to have kids seems so sad. I am wishing you all the best for your donor transfer! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi, well done on not giving up hope, you really, really deserve your dream to come true. I am just starting a journey with similarities, I too have PCOS and am struggling to conceive. As it’s early days I still have hope that the medication I have just started will work wonders and next month will be my month but your post has reminded me to be realistic. I know it’s important to be positive but I feel it’s important to keep sight of just how long the journey might be…Thanks for sharing. I wish you the very best!!!

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    1. Hi
      Thanks for your compassionate comment.
      I just wanted to say do not panic or worry reading about my journey, only very few face it for this long. Even so, we have found the issue underlying our situation so do not assume or blame the pcos here and end up worrying yourself.
      Polycystic women experience a lot of anxiety so keep yourself as happy and calm as possible.
      Also, learn from my journey. This is why i started my blog. To educate those who do not know like I myself didnt know anything in the start. I ate all the wrong stuff without knowing how harmful it was for my pcos.kindly have your husband checked before starting any procedures if the medication cycle does not work.
      Finally, every morning take half a tea spoon of cinammon powder with breakfast. Swallow with water. Will do you miracles for the PCOs. You can easily find it at any indian grocery store. Cheapest and best therapy!

      Like

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