I just realised right now that its November 2016 – which means its been exact 5 years since we started trying and still no baby to cuddle with.
I have certainly changed a lot since my infertility journey began… I remember I was a complete mess when I first found out I had PCOs. Reading posts about difficulties with conceiving with PCOs on Babycentre made me cry and go mad. I was just 21 then and I really didn’t know my journey would be this long and difficult. I didn’t tell anyone about my difficulties – I used to be sad but I was very impatient so I had immediately decided to try clomid as soon as I was found to have PCOs. I didnt tell my in-laws (who were very nice then) or my parents. I just told 2-3 close girl friends and they told me they were dealing with PCOs too so I shouldn’t worry much. Thinking about it all is making me laugh right now. I hope when I remember these days in my future, I get to laugh at myself while my child is playing around.
I used to be very insecure about my infertility news spreading amongst relatives. Asian culture is very crazy, no one sits back to mind their own business – everyone just survives by talking about others. Lol. That was one reason why I wasn’t too public about my cause of sadness.
I jumped onto IUIs after 3 cycles of Clomid – because I just wanted to succeed ASAP. I trusted my body but I didn’t want to delay having a baby so I was giving my best shot. All my married friends were pregnant so I really wanted to join their league – I failed and they all delivered and got their bundle of joys.
Then we started our IVFs. Failure after failure, I was worse than ever. I used to cry to sleep every night, lost my appetite and used to hate my body and blame myself for being so unlucky. I was a terrible mess – constantly losing hope in my treatments working out for me and still scared of being talked about by others. I stopped meeting relatives and deactivated my FB account so people wouldn’t have the chance to talk about me.I started getting scared of my in-laws and my husband. I truly loved him but he was coming under his parents influence to remarry and keep me on the side. I used to be feeling lots of anxiety regarding all of it and I kept on doing worse at every succeeding IVF. All 6 of my IVFs resulted in complete failures and finally I went on to get donor eggs.
I remember I was really angry at my husband for suggesting donor eggs when my 5th cycle failed badly but after the 6th cycle I had no choice but to beg him to pay for donor eggs for me. My situation had changed within a few months, from being angry at the idea to begging for it.
I started my blog in March 2016 and since then I have met such amazing people/supporters/unseen friends who are always there to comfort me when I am upset or miserable. I have certainly realised that infertility is not my fault and I shouldn’t stop loving myself. I have started to take care of myself, I eat healthy, I work out to have a positive mindset. Overall, I don’t hate myself anymore or even shed a single tear. I have become very strong and I am able to face the mean stuff thrown at me. Yes, I am the 1 in 4. I have become grateful and appreciative and I can never ever be inconsiderate of others feelings or conditions. I feel I am a much caring and loving person – not that I wasn’t before but maybe extremely cautious now. If I hadn’t been chosen to experience the unique 1 in 4 position – I doubt I would have changed as much as I have within a few years.
I started transferring my donor egg embryos since January 2016 and so far I have had just 1 chemical pregnancy and now I am going ahead with my last donor egg embryo.
I cannot explain how much I love these embryos, I always struggled with the idea of donor eggs but it doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I just want a healthy child who is from me and is for us. I wish someday my dream gets fulfilled, I am really longing for it. My ray of hope hasn’t died. Today I found myself asking my husband where we will keep our baby’s crib.. When you JUST LITERALLY cant give up!