And another BFN…

So my FET has failed…When the hpt came up negative I was not able to believe how unlucky I could be that even donor egg embryos didnt implant inside me at just the age of 26…. Something really worrying and depressing that nothing has worked despite having tried so hard…

We had contacted Serum in Athens last month and they had suggested the antibiotic ritual before transfer and testing the sperm for fragmentation since they didn’t approve of the quality of embryos we had at the London Women’s Clinic. We had 5 blastocysts overall and the grading was 4BC 4BC 4CC 4CC 4CD. We never knew we were to discover more…

Our sperm fragmentation results came out a few days ago and it showed high fragmentation. This explained the average to below average quality of our embryos. The Dr. at Serum has told us that with such high sperm fragmentation I will never be able to get pregnant and even if I ever do, I will miscarry before the 9th week itself. This somewhat explains the chemical pregnancies I have had.

Penny at Serum had asked me to test my period blood for infections and Chlamydia. It is the Locus Medicus test that happens in Athens only. The results showed that I had some trace of chlamydia which could be the reason for my elevated immunes and hence I would need antibiotics to suppress this infection which would enable implantation. Which further means that I have nothing much to worry about related to my diet – my problem is related to the infection inside me. This trace of chlamydia is not an STD. Anyone can get it and from anywhere.. public swimming pools, public toilets , jacuzzis etc. Since I have this infection , it means he has it too and this infection is one of the culprits for the sperm fragmentation..

My husband and I were extremely shocked to find out that our sperm was what caused us so much of pain and sadness all these years…we always believed it was my eggs but as it has come out to be.. its the other way around. Penny has suggested using my eggs with donor sperm but I am very tired of doing IVF after IVF or maybe I am just too paranoid of using my own eggs. I just feel my eggs are too bad to make good embryos. It is so badly engrossed in me that I wont be able to perform well. 

It was hard but I convinced him to use donor sperm with donor eggs. He was just not able to believe that he will have no DNA connection with his baby but after some convincing he realised that I have been through way too much and that I really need a child now to be happy. He feels for me that I have been on hydroxychloroquinine sulfate for nearly a year and been doing painful LITs and IVIG/intralipid infusions without any results but with so much of added risk to my own health. He has come to realize that living with pain and sadness is not worth it when at the end DNA doesnt matter. It is the happiness and love we are missing out on by not helping ourselves.

All the misery his parents put me through… all for not having conceived a child when the sperm was never really tested. Just yesterday his mom was whining about us not having a child yet when he told his mom about it. She was not able to believe it. My husband and I had decided not to involve his parents in this matter since they offer no help whatsoever but he only told her because she was whining against me and he could not bear it anymore that they give me a hard time when I am really not the one responsible (even if I was the one responsible, no one has any right to disturb anyones happiness or give them more trouble when they are facing infertility).

Of course we haven’t told his mom about the donor sperm plan but I cannot explain how relieved I feel and the burden I feel lifted off my shoulders after finding this all out… It just feels like we are headed in the right direction..

We have decided to go with 50% own sperm and 50% donor sperm all with donor eggs. IVF stimulation drugs cause too much of hair loss to me due to the stress I take so I have no intention of injecting myself with any more stimulants. We are planning a cycle in end January 2017 so for now we are just going to relax and give ourselves a break.

Waiting for a miracle and not ready to give up yet.

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Author: When You Cant Give Up

Its been 4 and a half years since my first attempt to have a baby, still going on with little success a long the way. I have done 4 Clomid rounds, 4 IUI's, 6 ICSI's and a couple of herbal remedies. Despite the heartbreak and pain, I am not willing to stop trying harder. Deep inside I feel that our bundle of joy will come sooner or later if I remain patient and continue to tweak my treatment after every failed attempt. This feeling has stopped me from giving up and brought me so far so soon. Hence, I call my blog "When you cant give up".

33 thoughts on “And another BFN…”

  1. From what you say in your blogs your husbands family have been so cruel on you – none of this was your fault – none – eggs or sperm problem aside – none of this you could control. The TTC is so hard at the best of time, you need support and love. I am so pleased you have a plan going forward and i have everything crossed for Jan 2017 for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I am so relieved! Thanks for your kind words. This wasnt picked cuz we always thought it was me and we had the normal tests done (which used to be okay) but we always did ICSI so then those okay results didnt affect/matter much. Now we did the fragmentation test (which we didnt even know abt until Serum made us do it)

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  2. I really don’t even know what to say. I feel really bad for you. I have been reading your blog for a while now and I always thought sperm is fine that’s why you have never mentioned it. But I didn’t know it was never tested. I am also happy for you that you don’t have to take the blame anymore and getting some more answers and next steps. It sounds like a really good plan. Hope things will turn around for you in 2017. Sending my love to you!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope so too. It will be good to move forward now that you know about this. Good luck in January. I know women always gets the blame in Asian culture. Even we blame on ourselves too. It’s such a relief for you and I couldn’t be happier. Hope the relationship with in-laws will improve as well

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, this is an amazing development for you guys to have found these things out after so long. I am curious why you are going with 50/50 sperm. Regardless, I hope this is finally the break in the clouds that you guys have been waiting for to have your baby finally!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can’t believe how his family has been. It is never good to blame one for their biology. We are the way we are. We can only do so much to change that.

    In infertility they always seem quick to blame the woman. When my husband and I went to get checked out here in Japan, they checked both of us right away. It wasn’t even a question.

    They assumed it could be one or both of us.

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve gone through all this struggle.

    I’m glad you found the reason, but I’m very sorry to hear about your husband. I hope this solves things and you are finally able to have a beautiful baby of your own.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, just wow! You have been through so much unnecessary pain and procedures. I am so sorry you’ve had to endure all that! You are such a stone and lovely woman and I am so happy you have found the culprit and have the weight lifted off your shoulders. Prayers for your next IVF and an amazing 2017!

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  6. So sorry you got a BFN but so pleased you finally have some answers and a solid plan for moving forward. 2017 will be your year, I can feel it! Also can’t believe your in-laws. Truly terrible of them. None of this is ever anybody’s fault or in anyone’s control. You are so amazingly strong to have stood so strong and graceful through all of this. Big hugs to you 💐

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry to hear your last embryo didn’t result in a pregnancy. You’ve been thru so much already, only to find that it could be a sperm issue!!. You are so strong, particularly on top of it all having to deal with unsupportive in laws. I hope these next developments solve the missing link. All my very best wishes xo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Every failure is a punch in the gut but when it leads to a new plan- one filled with so much hope it is almost like you finally opened a huge window in a stifling room and the breeze can come in. I am so happy for you that you have a plan. Also that you have such an amazing husband even though his family sounds pretty crap. 2017 here you come!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry I have been away from blogging.
      Thank you so much for your positive and comforting words. Indeed I do feel a huge window has opened up for us and it seems very promising. I
      certainly do feel much lighter compared to the burden and unease I used to feel earlier.
      Thanks again. Xx

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  9. I am so sorry to read about your negative result. I just found out my cycle failed too. It must be so frustrating to only find out now about the sperm DNA issues! People always seem to assume the issues are on the women’s side, even doctors! Sending you lots of strength going forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hello, I just stumbled upon your blog, and I wanted to say thanks for sharing your journey so honestly – it certainly sounds like you’ve endured more than your fair share of heartache. Being Asian myself, I understand the kind of unreasonable prejudice you must come up against from your baby-obsessed in-laws. Stay strong! Please don’t let the ignorance and lazy assumptions of that generation undermine your self-worth. You’re a trooper, and you deserve kindness and appreciation for the long arduous journey you’ve embarked on. I myself have just completed a pretty intense cycle at ARGC, unfortunately it looks like it will be ending in a chemical pregnancy. So I understand a bit of your pain, and here are two giant pats on our backs just for having come this far! Much of my previous two years has also been lost to anxiety and resentment and fear of being “infertile”, surrounded by friends and family who seem to be falling pregnant left and right. But it’s only just struck me that it’s a label I have chosen to use on myself, and the only lens I have chosen to view my entire life through. I think now I would like to not allow this to overtake my life anymore. And curiously, ever since making that decision, I have been feeling pretty good, and also thankful to my body that has really been co-operative and responsive throughout this very demanding procedure. So be kind to yourself – you sound like a determined, intelligent and strong young lady, and I hope you will find peace and joy in your life! Here’s to a good 2017.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hello fellow lady,
    Thank you for reading my post and commenting to encourage me and keep me going.
    Really appreciate your strong words and your sincere advise.
    The ARGC cycle must have been draining, i hope you are doing okay.
    Have you thought of a new clinic? Try Serum in Athens. Certainly much cheaper and more responsive than ARGC

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  12. I am new here, but I wanted to say I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I cannot believe how your husband’s family speaks about you guys trying to conceive. No one deserves that.

    Like

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