We have our donors.

We are extremely delighted that Serum has found me my egg donor and the sperm donor (apparently both resemble me and the egg donor resembles me so much that she could have been my sister!).

Of course we have not seen either of the donors but these were the words of the doctor at Serum. I cannot imagine how big of a favor this means to us from the donors. They do this only for people like us so that we start smiling all over again. I had forgotten what happiness was in the last few years and I am some what returning to experience happiness but of course with care because I do not want to hurt myself by having too many expectations. 

My journey with infertility has changed me so very much that I cannot be the carefree person I once used to be. I am scarred, mentally and physically, from all the sadness and the drugs.

Within 2 weeks our embryos shall be ready and I shall prepare to transfer in my February cycle. Literally cannot believe How much I have had to wait for this time to pass. It has felt like ages and January has rather seemed very slow.

Finally, last night my mother in law (MIL) called me to her room and showed me my wedding day album (she had ordered a huge album for herself to keep asides the albums that I had. That must explain how happy my MIL was when we got married). She pointed out how happy and gorgeous I looked then and what had become of me now. My hair is all weak from the hair fall I have experienced due to the IVFs, in my wedding album I had thick jet black hair and now I have nothing but just a few locks of hair flying here and there. She pointed out how bright my face was then and how dull I look now. Nobody even knows about the FETs I have attempted in 2016 and hence the estrogen charged cycles have caused acne on my face and my face is a complete disaster now. I just replied to her that I have been through tough treatments in the last few years so I cannot be 100 per cent at the very moment.

I just fail to understand what she was expecting from me. Now she is just feeling sad for me that because of some problem that her son had I went through bombardments of treatments and then I lost all support from the in laws and was literally mistreated. So suddenly she is expecting me to be 100 per cent happy and gorgeous as I was pre treatment despite all that has happened? 

I will need time for sure to forget all this and leave the past behind but at the moment I am just too ready to have my next transfer and not worry about others or this acne that I am battling with since a few months now.

Praying for myself and all my beautiful girls

-A

Some updates that I have been wondering about..

My last post was a month back and ever since life has been quite different.

First of all, my mother in law (mil) became extremely worried about her son’s future ever since her son told her about the sperm fragmentation. It is not even funny how much tension these people take over us not having a child. I mean we, who have struggled so much, have had a long journey and we used to have our sad depressing moments but we never panicked over it as much as they have. These people on the other hand get panicked as if we are the first couple facing infertility ever since Earth was created.

So my mil wanted us to visit her soon after she heard the sperm news. We are at the in laws place again and guess what? This time its all smiles and rainbows. My father in law (fil) who made our life extremely miserable in summers is suddenly very nice to me. I think my mil has told him about his son.

Point is, now my mil says “This is no ones fault, its God’s will”. So now the hypocrites are back to believing in God’s will and when they all thought it was me who was the hindrance in creating a baby for their son, this very lady told me that it was their bad luck that they chose me for their son.

So done with all this non sense. I am not going to be flattered now. It’s too late to have the same old honest feelings for them that I used to have for them once.