And another BFN…

So my FET has failed…When the hpt came up negative I was not able to believe how unlucky I could be that even donor egg embryos didnt implant inside me at just the age of 26…. Something really worrying and depressing that nothing has worked despite having tried so hard…

We had contacted Serum in Athens last month and they had suggested the antibiotic ritual before transfer and testing the sperm for fragmentation since they didn’t approve of the quality of embryos we had at the London Women’s Clinic. We had 5 blastocysts overall and the grading was 4BC 4BC 4CC 4CC 4CD. We never knew we were to discover more…

Our sperm fragmentation results came out a few days ago and it showed high fragmentation. This explained the average to below average quality of our embryos. The Dr. at Serum has told us that with such high sperm fragmentation I will never be able to get pregnant and even if I ever do, I will miscarry before the 9th week itself. This somewhat explains the chemical pregnancies I have had.

Penny at Serum had asked me to test my period blood for infections and Chlamydia. It is the Locus Medicus test that happens in Athens only. The results showed that I had some trace of chlamydia which could be the reason for my elevated immunes and hence I would need antibiotics to suppress this infection which would enable implantation. Which further means that I have nothing much to worry about related to my diet – my problem is related to the infection inside me. This trace of chlamydia is not an STD. Anyone can get it and from anywhere.. public swimming pools, public toilets , jacuzzis etc. Since I have this infection , it means he has it too and this infection is one of the culprits for the sperm fragmentation..

My husband and I were extremely shocked to find out that our sperm was what caused us so much of pain and sadness all these years…we always believed it was my eggs but as it has come out to be.. its the other way around. Penny has suggested using my eggs with donor sperm but I am very tired of doing IVF after IVF or maybe I am just too paranoid of using my own eggs. I just feel my eggs are too bad to make good embryos. It is so badly engrossed in me that I wont be able to perform well. 

It was hard but I convinced him to use donor sperm with donor eggs. He was just not able to believe that he will have no DNA connection with his baby but after some convincing he realised that I have been through way too much and that I really need a child now to be happy. He feels for me that I have been on hydroxychloroquinine sulfate for nearly a year and been doing painful LITs and IVIG/intralipid infusions without any results but with so much of added risk to my own health. He has come to realize that living with pain and sadness is not worth it when at the end DNA doesnt matter. It is the happiness and love we are missing out on by not helping ourselves.

All the misery his parents put me through… all for not having conceived a child when the sperm was never really tested. Just yesterday his mom was whining about us not having a child yet when he told his mom about it. She was not able to believe it. My husband and I had decided not to involve his parents in this matter since they offer no help whatsoever but he only told her because she was whining against me and he could not bear it anymore that they give me a hard time when I am really not the one responsible (even if I was the one responsible, no one has any right to disturb anyones happiness or give them more trouble when they are facing infertility).

Of course we haven’t told his mom about the donor sperm plan but I cannot explain how relieved I feel and the burden I feel lifted off my shoulders after finding this all out… It just feels like we are headed in the right direction..

We have decided to go with 50% own sperm and 50% donor sperm all with donor eggs. IVF stimulation drugs cause too much of hair loss to me due to the stress I take so I have no intention of injecting myself with any more stimulants. We are planning a cycle in end January 2017 so for now we are just going to relax and give ourselves a break.

Waiting for a miracle and not ready to give up yet.

My frozen one.. 

So today was my final FET. This was my last donor egg embryo transfer. I reached the clinic exactly 2 mins before my transfer was scheduled but my bladder wasn’t as full as they wanted it to be so I had to drink water there and wait until I became full. It was a nightmare when I overfilled myself. I peed 15 minutes post transfer and with so much of pressure that I regretted drinking all those glasses of water. I have been having bad thoughts the entire day that what if I pushed the embryo out especially because my bladder was super full that I was not able to relax my belly/uterus after the transfer. I was in a constant urge to just urinate and keeping it in was driving me and my belly mad. I hope these are only negative hunches and nothing to worry about 😣

The embryo thawed well and is in me now. Embaby and I will be flying home tomorrow. Praying for this miracle to arrive in/around 8 months and 1 weeks time…
Keeping you all in my prayers

Xx

Done Done Done

So my father in law left a few hours back and as soon as he left for the airport I went to a friend’s daughter’s birthday. I got to see my friends and chit chat with many others so I had a great time chilling.

I am just glad the 8 days are finally over and tomorrow is my final scan based on which my transfer date will be decided. Counting down to meet my final frozen one. Hoping and praying this one is my healthy baby.

Half way through…

So its been 4 days, 4 more to go with my father in law. Surprisingly, he has been talking to me nicely since the moment he came. I am quite amazed. I know that deep inside he detests his son’s decision to keep our marriage instead of divorcing me already.

So I am just glad time is passing with this “Be nice on the face” drama. At least, I don’t have to bear awkward moments of silence. However, it means one thing for sure… I will have to call him regularly all over again 😑. Totally not looking forward to calling him at least once every week. He gives a very hard time on the phone by not replying politely, already there isnt much to talk about. If only I had a child like my husband’s brother’s wife I would just go on and on about my child’s milestones etc. Sigh…

So tomorrow is my intralipid day. No more expensive IVIGs. Prednisolone and clexane also start tomorrow. Drug over load from tomorrow! Sarcastic and non sarcastic yay! Non sarcastic for the progress towards the FET and cheaper alternative of IVIG.

Keeping you all in my prayers

Xx

The 1 week with the father in law from tomorrow

So my father in law arrives tomorrow and stays for 8 days. Wohoo!

I didn’t call him last week because knowing him I felt he would tell the entire clan that she called me now after 2 months because I going there so she’s scared of me. Moreover, he doesn’t talk to me when I am around so I shouldn’t be expected to make calls that will involve small talk, no wait- that will involve awkward moments of silence.

To be honest, I am feeling very strong and am not scared at all. I know that infertility was not something I chose and he’s showing his bad attitude for no reason. If I had done something wrong then only I should have felt guilty or weak.

It shouldn’t hurt much to remain silent or be treated like a ghost for a week when the following week after he leaves will be my final embryo transfer! I should be counting down towards that with lots of hope and excitement. Who knows it could be this 1 embryo that finally gets us out of this difficult situation.

Xx

-Strong and cannot be stopped

 

Its been 5 years now

From denial to accepting to embracing “Yes, I am the 1 in 4”

I just realised right now that its November 2016 – which means its been exact 5 years since we started trying and still no baby to cuddle with.

I have certainly changed a lot since my infertility journey began… I remember I was a complete mess when I first found out I had PCOs. Reading posts about difficulties with conceiving with PCOs on Babycentre made me cry and go mad. I was just 21 then and I really didn’t know my journey would be this long and difficult. I didn’t tell anyone about my difficulties – I used to be sad but I was very impatient so I had immediately decided to try clomid as soon as I was found to have PCOs. I didnt tell my in-laws (who were very nice then) or my parents. I just told 2-3 close girl friends and they told me they were dealing with PCOs too so I shouldn’t worry much. Thinking about it all is making me laugh right now. I hope when I remember these days in my future, I get to laugh at myself while my child is playing around.

I used to be very insecure about my infertility news spreading amongst relatives. Asian culture is very crazy, no one sits back to mind their own business – everyone just survives by talking about others. Lol. That was one reason why I wasn’t too public about my cause of sadness.

I jumped onto IUIs after 3 cycles of Clomid – because I just wanted to succeed ASAP. I trusted my body but I didn’t want to delay having a baby so I was giving my best shot. All my married friends were pregnant so I really wanted to join their league – I failed and they all delivered and got their bundle of joys.

Then we started our IVFs. Failure after failure, I was worse than ever. I used to cry to sleep every night, lost my appetite and used to hate my body and blame myself for being so unlucky. I was a terrible mess – constantly losing hope in my treatments working out for me and still scared of being talked about by others. I stopped meeting relatives and deactivated my FB account so people wouldn’t have the chance to talk about me.I started getting scared of my in-laws and my husband. I truly loved him but he was coming under his parents influence to remarry and keep me on the side. I used to be feeling lots of anxiety regarding all of it and I kept on doing worse at every succeeding IVF. All 6 of my IVFs resulted in complete failures and finally I went on to get donor eggs. 

I remember I was really angry at my husband for suggesting donor eggs when my 5th cycle failed badly but after the 6th cycle I had no choice but to beg him to pay for donor eggs for me. My situation had changed within a few months, from being angry at the idea to begging for it.

I started my blog in March 2016 and since then I have met such amazing people/supporters/unseen friends who are always there to comfort me when I am upset or miserable. I have certainly realised that infertility is not my fault and I shouldn’t stop loving myself. I have started to take care of myself, I eat healthy, I work out to have a positive mindset. Overall, I don’t hate myself anymore or even shed a single tear. I have become very strong and I am able to face the mean stuff thrown at me. Yes, I am the 1 in 4. I have become grateful and appreciative and I can never ever be inconsiderate of others feelings or conditions. I feel I am a much caring and loving person – not that I wasn’t before but maybe extremely cautious now. If I hadn’t been chosen to experience the unique 1 in 4 position – I doubt  I would have changed as much as I have within a few years. 

I started transferring my donor egg embryos since January 2016 and so far I have had just 1 chemical pregnancy and now I am going ahead with my last donor egg embryo.

I cannot explain how much I love these embryos, I always struggled with the idea of donor eggs but it doesn’t really matter to me anymore. I just want a healthy child who is from me and is for us. I wish someday my dream gets fulfilled, I am really longing for it. My ray of hope hasn’t died. Today I found myself asking my husband where we will keep our baby’s crib.. When you JUST LITERALLY cant give up! 

Dont know what to do

So I have constantly been trying not to think about it but it is eventually gonna happen soon – my father in law will be visiting our country for business and will be staying with us. He usually stays for 5 days and he comes every 5-6 months. I am not writing about it because I don’t like his presence – I am writing because since my ARGC failure last year in Nov’15 he has been giving us and especially me a very hard time. He being the head of the family (like in Asian culture) has told or ordered everyone to show me a cold shoulder. He tries very hard to convince my husband to remarry by giving him stupid examples of people who never had kids. Meaning, he tries to depress him and make him hopeless so we fight and separate or something along the lines of that. I recently started to become more open on my blog, in my starting posts I never mentioned what agony they put us through. To wrap it up, not only does he do all the above, he maintains this ugly silence everytime I am around. He just doesnt utter a single word and makes it very awkward. Its like pin drop silence. 😐

Before my failure last year (although he hated me then also cuz I had’t become pregnant in 5 years of marriage) he never showed his anger or behaved like he does now. He used to take us out for dinner and shopping. It used to be amazing to have him. In return I used to send presents with him for my mother in law and take good care of him. However, this time suddenly he has decided to come for 8 days which means 2 weekends will be involved. On weekends it is even tougher to face him because there is no office and he just remains on the couch all day long – making it very tough for me to even go to the lounge. Forget about sitting with him and chatting with him.

To make it worse, he always blames me for not phoning him or messaging him? I dont understand how am I supposed to talk to him on the phone when he doesnt even speak to me while he is around. Even if I do call him all he does is talk in a cold way. Everytime I have phoned him and asked him how he is, his reply is yeah I am fine , you must be fine too. 

I dont understand what am I supposed to talk about to such a mean person. Anyway so due to his extremely rude text messages in August, I stopped talking to him. Not due to disrespect for him but due to having had enough of crap.In brief, his messages were something like “My relationship with you isnt like it used to be. My son is my eldest and I had dreams for him. Although none of us asked for this”. I wanted to bash him that even I didnt ask for infertility but whats the reason for being so cold. You started all this rude behavior, what have I done? 

What reply was he expecting from me? Something like “I am so sorry, its my fault. I will convince my husband to listen to you and start over”? I have beaten myself over getting treatment after treatment and all these people see is me wasting their son’s life and time.

In summers, we were visiting my in laws for 2 whole months and it was a nightmare for me. He gave me a terrible time by boasting my husband’s brother’s wife and their daughter. On face it didnt seem to be bugging me because I was secretly preparing for a transfer immediately after leaving from their place but at the end of 2 months I literally broke down. It was too much of nonsense. 

So now he has found an excuse against me. He says “she doesnt respect me or call me”. I really dont know how to tell this bully that what he’s been doing would also make a 2 yr old run away from such an adult, what does he expect from me?

So well I am dreading him coming here from next weekend. I think this time if he tells me off I will tell him that to talk to you a person needs a hell lot of courage. I have tried and failed to make you happy , I brought flowers for you without any valid reason and you didnt even acknlowedge them. I feel insulted and unwanted. 

Anyway he has a very strong personality, I hope I can talk well and put my words right. 

In the meantime my husband has asked me to ring him up before he arrives. So I guess it will be tonight.

Moving on, today my father asked me how I was and I just snapped saying “Dont ask me again and again, I dont want to talk about it because theres no positive update for me to give you”. He said I am just generally asking. I still replied “I just dont want to talk about it all the time”. I felt terrible for talking like that to my father who asked me. My parents mean the world to me and I talked to my father like that. Maybe I am just tired of bearing too much and dont want to talk about it. Yet I have made a super long post for you guys, when you cant give up…