Baby Mohammad is 2 months old today.

Happy New Year my lovelies! 

2017 was a brilliant year for me and my husband and with the birth of our child it became even better.

Baby Mohammad is 2 months old today (posting a week late today) and I cannot believe HOW time flew and I managed to get through.

First, he is a great baby. He doesnt fuss too much. He will be happy at all times. Rather, he gave me his first smile when he was as little as just 1 week old in November 2017. However my child doesnt latch onto me. He latched for 3 hours as soon as he was born but there was no colostrum and so my baby became super hungry and cried BADLY. We sent him off to the nursery the very night he was born to be fed formula. 😓

I didnt know at that time that my breastfeeding journey would be difficult aswell after having faced a 6 year long infertility struggle. When I was pregnant I was so ready to breastfeed and had just bought a few bottles to use for outings etc. However, I had to order more bottles as we got home and my baby is completely bottle fed.

My mom had not come for my delivery and hence I was more confused than ever and didnt know how to handle the situation. My husband had the idea to buy me a breast pump so that the colostrum would flow out as after the 1st latch immediately after being born, he would cry on just smelling my boob. It would be HORRENDOUS. 

I tried a lot to get him to latch and when he was 2 weeks old I made him cry as much as he could and forced him to latch. He just wouldnt. I didnt give up and kept him on the boob forcefully and kept squeezing milk out and yet the child wouldnt latch and cried louder and louder. I feel bad for all that. It was traumatic but I wanted to help us and I wanted to make him latch as I was always pumping while our caretaker would hold him or bottle feed him. My supply was nil to be honest. It would depress me a lot and not being able to hold him depressed me even more and I can say I went through postpartum depression. I would cry everyday seeing my baby and when I would finally be able to hold him, his 5 pound weak body would make me cry even more.
I still cannot forget how tiny and weak he was and how much he cried when I forced him to latch. I cannot just get over it. After that traumatic incident I felt for 1 whole hour my child was breathing quickly and was scared by me. So I decided to stop forcing him to latch despite all the stupid pressure put on me from all my aunts and my crazy mother in law (who has come since I delivered and even after 2 whole months of staying with us has no plans of traveling back home 😓).

My mother in law has not been of any help rather her presence forced me into deeper depression as my husband would spend time with his mom while I would just be locked up in my room pumping a very low supply out. She would stare in my expressed milk bottles and panic “omg such less milk” “omg blah blah”. To summarise, crazy lady made me crazier and I didnt enjoy the new mommy phase at all. I regret but I blame my husband for having her over for so long and for not giving me any time and just being aloof of all that I was facing.

2 weeks after birth I broke down and told him about my situation since clearly somebody was too lost spending time with their mom.

After that he became better and gave me lots of help. However, the supply is still a big issue and baby latches sometimes. He started to ask for the boob himself and sometimes nurses for 20 mins in the day, sometimes 40 mins and sometimes just 5 mins in the day. Sometimes Not at all.

I am just expressing and trying my level best. I have power pumped to increase my supply but still I only manage 14 ounces a day and the rest is formula.

I have ordered these supplements and have started them today. I HOPE they help and my expressing journey will become a lot easier with the increase in supply.

Mohammad has started sleeping longer at nights and since 2 weeks he is just waking up twice at night. I will bottle feed him , change his diaper and put him to sleep than I express. Then I sleep. My husband is always around to help. Sometimes he bottle feeds while I pump. Sometimes he bottle feeds while I nap and then he wakes me up to burp him and change his diaper. I LOVE my husband for all his help. 

I really wish my child latches as I really want to have this ‘mommy son time’ but so far I havent been lucky enough. Infertility broke my heart and now this.

My son’s favorite time is massage time followed by a bath. He loves water going down his neck and usually just lifts his head up to reveal his neck more so that I can put water there. He looks so adorable especially because he waits patiently with his head lifted sideways for me to fill the jug up and pour on him. Sigh. I just want to cuddle him and be able to spend all my time with him and hate pumping milk especially because I dont carry him while I pump. I would love tips on pumping, so please feel free to bombard me. Tee hee
I have had lots of blocked ducts and lots of days where I would be in pain so once daily I use hot water bottles to compress my boob. I feel it helps.

At times I feel like breaking down and feel like a failure especially because I couldnt get him to latch onto me but then again I feel my child feels my depressed mood and gives me a huge smile which lits up my heart. He actually looks at me no matter where I am standing and will get my attention and beam a smile at me.

My husband says hes healthy so its not the end of the world if he doesnt latch. He says your difficult struggle with infertility has ended so this is a very petty issue. But I am ‘when you cant give up’ so I am finally going to see a lactation consultant after having cancelled 10 scheduled appointments since his birth for silly reasons.

I hope things work out for us and I hope I find sheer happiness and come out of this depressed state which hits me at times just because I dont get to be as much with my awaited child as I really want to be. For now I am grateful he is healthy and growing and I am able to pump 14 ounces for him.