Praising my Lord, now 12 weeks!!

Dear ladies,

First of all I love it and was truly touched when I found out my fellow bloggers were waiting for an update from my side since my last scan. I myself get concerned when either of you doesn’t blog for sometime and there is no update to my satisfy my heart with so I start looking up for the person’s blog and look for signs of update hehe.I pray for all of you every morning to have your miracles and for your difficulties to end really soon with the Lord’s mercy.

So the update is Baby is now 12 weeks!!

We heard the lovely heartbeat and fell in love with how he or she was changing and flipping sides. Gosh too adorable!! The baby was sucking its thumb and looked like a little baby snuggled in a hammock! 

Please remember us in your prayers and you all are in mine. In about 4 weeks we will find out the gender when I will be 16 weeks, Lord willing. 

Our beautiful embryos are ready

We have an amazing update to share. Our lovely donor gave us 14 eggs. We decided to inseminate 8 with my husband’s sperm and 6 with donor sperm. We now have 6 5AA blasts frozen. 2 out of the 8 from my husband’s sperm and 4 out of the donor’s. Maybe we really did have the fragmentation issue or I don’t know. Sometimes all of a sudden I just feel scared that what if it really isnt the fragmentation. I am only scared because in 2015 when the immune disorder (elevated cytokines and natural killer cells) were detected we were happy that we had found our solution. It wasnt the end of it. Then when my embryos had ceased at morula stage we switched to donor eggs and we believed that was the answer to our issue. It wasnt so. So now when Penny at Serum has said it is the sperm fragmentation , I am finding it hard to believe in it and be positive. Infertility really scars the inflicted.

Finally January has ended. It seemed like it never would. I am visiting my parents so time is going fast now and hence the late update. My cycle has started and my FET preparation has begun. We are aiming at transferring around the 1st week of March which means 2 weeks to go! Finally getting to transfer after waiting for 3 months. Time really did fly and I am feeling January was on a major pause.

Hope you all are keeping well. 

-A

And another BFN…

So my FET has failed…When the hpt came up negative I was not able to believe how unlucky I could be that even donor egg embryos didnt implant inside me at just the age of 26…. Something really worrying and depressing that nothing has worked despite having tried so hard…

We had contacted Serum in Athens last month and they had suggested the antibiotic ritual before transfer and testing the sperm for fragmentation since they didn’t approve of the quality of embryos we had at the London Women’s Clinic. We had 5 blastocysts overall and the grading was 4BC 4BC 4CC 4CC 4CD. We never knew we were to discover more…

Our sperm fragmentation results came out a few days ago and it showed high fragmentation. This explained the average to below average quality of our embryos. The Dr. at Serum has told us that with such high sperm fragmentation I will never be able to get pregnant and even if I ever do, I will miscarry before the 9th week itself. This somewhat explains the chemical pregnancies I have had.

Penny at Serum had asked me to test my period blood for infections and Chlamydia. It is the Locus Medicus test that happens in Athens only. The results showed that I had some trace of chlamydia which could be the reason for my elevated immunes and hence I would need antibiotics to suppress this infection which would enable implantation. Which further means that I have nothing much to worry about related to my diet – my problem is related to the infection inside me. This trace of chlamydia is not an STD. Anyone can get it and from anywhere.. public swimming pools, public toilets , jacuzzis etc. Since I have this infection , it means he has it too and this infection is one of the culprits for the sperm fragmentation..

My husband and I were extremely shocked to find out that our sperm was what caused us so much of pain and sadness all these years…we always believed it was my eggs but as it has come out to be.. its the other way around. Penny has suggested using my eggs with donor sperm but I am very tired of doing IVF after IVF or maybe I am just too paranoid of using my own eggs. I just feel my eggs are too bad to make good embryos. It is so badly engrossed in me that I wont be able to perform well. 

It was hard but I convinced him to use donor sperm with donor eggs. He was just not able to believe that he will have no DNA connection with his baby but after some convincing he realised that I have been through way too much and that I really need a child now to be happy. He feels for me that I have been on hydroxychloroquinine sulfate for nearly a year and been doing painful LITs and IVIG/intralipid infusions without any results but with so much of added risk to my own health. He has come to realize that living with pain and sadness is not worth it when at the end DNA doesnt matter. It is the happiness and love we are missing out on by not helping ourselves.

All the misery his parents put me through… all for not having conceived a child when the sperm was never really tested. Just yesterday his mom was whining about us not having a child yet when he told his mom about it. She was not able to believe it. My husband and I had decided not to involve his parents in this matter since they offer no help whatsoever but he only told her because she was whining against me and he could not bear it anymore that they give me a hard time when I am really not the one responsible (even if I was the one responsible, no one has any right to disturb anyones happiness or give them more trouble when they are facing infertility).

Of course we haven’t told his mom about the donor sperm plan but I cannot explain how relieved I feel and the burden I feel lifted off my shoulders after finding this all out… It just feels like we are headed in the right direction..

We have decided to go with 50% own sperm and 50% donor sperm all with donor eggs. IVF stimulation drugs cause too much of hair loss to me due to the stress I take so I have no intention of injecting myself with any more stimulants. We are planning a cycle in end January 2017 so for now we are just going to relax and give ourselves a break.

Waiting for a miracle and not ready to give up yet.

Stepping ahead

So I have been testing everyday since 6 days post FET. All have been negative. But I am really not devastated. Even before I had made my first test this go, I had decided that no matter what the outcome.. we will raise a child be it from my belly or some other route.

Just minutes later I knew my result and I knew what to do. Personally speaking I am so happy I made that decision because that very decision had me smiling on the day of my negative test. True wonder.

For the first time in so many months or years I feel relieved of the stress or pressure to fall pregnant. I now realise what levels of hidden stress I was facing. I am noticing that I am very chatty since the last 2 days and hey I am sleeping way better. I also feel life is too pleasant not to be enjoyed… I have truly missed out on a lot. Whenever friends or family told me not to take stress … I never really understood that I was facing hidden stress asides the stress that I was actually facing. Does what I am saying make sense? I am sure you all understand where I am coming from.

I have been questioning myself…

Q) If any of my fertile friends were to face all the treatments that I have without gaining any success.. what would have she done?

A) she would have opted for a surrogate baby after the first few failed ivfs and never done this life threatening immunes treatment. (I haven’t created this answer myself). My friends say it all the time that we can never think of what you are doing to yourself. At those difficult heart breaking moments I used to think ‘you guys dont know the entire picture. But if you were to face my situation you would have tried as hard also because failing without trying is harder than failing after having tried so hard’.

Q) Do I want a baby who is from a surrogate but healthy or a baby who is from me but not healthy (a friend’s child has Downs Syndrome)?

A) My immediate answer was a healthy baby

So its clear now. To be honest I am even beginning to think if I am infertile at all. Our 50% DQA match is the reason why I havent been able to conceive in my last 9 treatments or in the last 5 years. My husband and I are too used to eachother to start of new lives with different partners, we have spent 6 years together building this arranged marriage into a healthy loving marriage. We have passed through times of extreme tight account balance and yet managed to pass through all of it constantly trying to save up for medical bills. We have passed through tough times when my in-laws tried to force him against me and break us apart. We have endured everything together and for eachother. I just want to hold a baby now, who will most probably be his child but from a surrogate. I am not going to rely on my eggs anymore or do any further treatments based on my eggs because I am polycystic and too paranoid about failures. Right now I just want a bundle of joy.

Just to enjoy 9 months of pregnancy, I have not enjoyed 5 years of my beautiful young age (21-26) when I could have achieved so much emotionally, spiritually, financially , materialisticaly and of course professionally.

We have found a surrogacy agency in Greece, where we had our honeymoon. Guess the honeymoon place always has something to do with the couple’s future. Starting the legal documenting process this week. Wish us luck and remember us in your prayers.

Some of the fellow bloggers were quite supportive in my last post. Thank you for making me realise that surrogacy is not giving up it means moving a step forward. Thank you for being such good friends who I doubt I will ever meet but pray for at odd times. May all of us be blessed soon with our bundle of joys.

 

Cheers

 

Transfer Cancelled.

First of all I’d like to thank all of you for being such loving blog followers and for all your kind words and support at all times.

Well today was supposed to be my third donor embryo transfer this year but due to the elevated cytokines, Dr. Gorgy cancelled it.

Maybe I would have wasted my embryo and got really upset by seeing another BFN despite switching to donor eggs.

So now the plan is to work on my cytokines and test in a few days time. If the result is great, I’ll transfer in the September cycle. I am beginning to think the depressing June and July trip to the in laws place made my cytokines flare. Our inner feelings really impact our health. Whenever I am positive and happy, my result turns out good or just fine. Whenever I am depressed, my result is not even worth looking at.

So now I am staying happy, eating all the anti inflammatory things , working out, keeping a positive and healthy frame of mind and above all I am keeping a strong faith. Everyone who tried as hard did really get through and get what they wanted. I should believe in myself and not let myself down. I have always wanted to see that flicker in the 6 week scan, hear the heartbeat in the Doppler, carry my baby in my belly, experience those wonderful kicks and movements, crave foods, watch those amazing ultrasounds, see my baby move, eat and jump in the scan, go to MY baby shower, mask my face with the pregnancy glow, shop for my baby while he/she is moving inside my belly and I take it as his or her approval or disapproval for things, experience the moment of delivery and child birth – when anything and everything is about you and your child, experience that moment when I hold my baby for the first time that was inside me for 9 months and keep him or her on my naked body to make my baby feel the comfort and touch of his/her mother! I want my husband to rub my belly with love and satisfaction and take care of me /us because he is happy not because we are sad and undergoing treatment. I think with such deep feelings inside I am not ready as yet for surrogacy. I am only 25 and my life is putting me through things that someone over 35 doesn’t have to go through either.

My body has got me feeling insulted and less of myself. The stares and glances of the world including of my in laws makes me feel like I am not blessed and forsaken. My husband’s younger brother who married 2 years after us had a baby girl last year -my in laws really appreciate his wife and child and make me feel very bad about myself and my body. In front of me she was given the super treatment that I always longed for but due to infertility I could only watch others pamper her and treat me with bad looks and words at the same time. I don’t have any jealousy towards anyone, I just want my fair share of happiness and importance. I was a very loving daughter in law but now it seems like I am the bad person and unimportant.

Enough depressing talk about the past, I just wish I succeed and my hard work pays off. When you cant give up..

 

 

Much bigger and newer hope :)

We traveled back home in December 2015 after being in London for 2 months. Although we had failed badly, we were so GLAD we had the donor eggs option in hand. Such an option is not even allowed to be talked about in the Middle East (where we reside). We were really relaxed and had it not been for the donor eggs option in hand, we would have split upon reaching home.

My husband got his sperm frozen at the LWC (London Women’s Clinic) so that when the donor’s eggs were ready to be fertilized we wouldn’t have to travel to London all over again. God bless my husband for being so thoughtful and increase his wisdom.

With this much bigger and newer hope built inside us upon returning home, for the first time ever, I bought a cot spiral for our soon to arrive baby’s cot. I had wanted a baby since so long and the longing for shopping for my baby kept increasing so finally my husband allowed me to buy the first thing for our future baby. For the first few days I would take it out of the shopping bag daily and immediately have a huge smile on my face. It gave me lots of positive and cheerful thoughts about the near future. Life was finally progressing.

.IMG_1789[1]

 

Finally…

I spent the entire night crying and trying to convince my husband not to bring a third person between us but something had gotten into him and he just didn’t seem to care. It was a terrible night. I finally went to sleep at 4 am convinced that he had made his decision and I had to quit and start a new life. So it had been 5 and half years since we had married and we were already looking at separation because we couldn’t have a baby after trying for 4 years. Lots of couples went on to have natural conceptions 8-10 years into marriage, no one I knew separated this early! ¬†What a sad moment it was. It made me feel worthless, unwanted and angry. I had always been praised for my looks and due to God’s will when I was unable to conceive, I was treated like a piece of junk.

When I woke up after passing that terrible night, I kept myself reserved with him and I had made my decision too. My crying until 4 in the morning made him realize it was wrong to abandon me like that and he told me he had taken an appointment for the London Women’s Clinic on Harley street for donor eggs! Of course I was still hurt from the night before but I became a bit relaxed. My husband was willing to hold my hand till the very end – I had to hold it tighter and never let it go.

We went to this amazing clinic for our appointment and the doctor convinced us on our decision and by the end of the appointment we were completely relaxed and actually even had a donor who could start her stimulation within 2 weeks! We were amazed at how things proceeded at our new clinic – the nurses were more responsible, the doctors were available for every matter and most importantly, they were always one step ahead of us in following up on things with us. It was a completely different experience.

Although I was finally doing donor eggs, I used to doubt my feelings about truly loving the baby that I would have in my belly and then in my life. I wanted to truly love my child and not feel that I used donor eggs. At that moment, I didn’t know or realize how much I really loved my donor eggs. I myself found out later.