16 weeks…

So I am 16 weeks today, Praise is for my Lord. I have not gone to my OB since my surgery at 13 weeks to drain the swelling from the PIO shots and my husband read up on the internet that getting too many scans is not safe for the baby so he is not planning to take me for a scan until I am 24 weeks. I really do not know how I will wait for 8 more weeks but for my child’s health I’ll bear this and keep missing seeing him or her. On a positive note, I am starting to show a bit now and my breasts have grown quite a bit so its pretty reassuring. So now its confirmed I wont be able to know the gender for another 8 weeks so no shopping until then. ☹

Oh well, I am just grateful I am finally able to look forward to this after years of heartbreak and trying. I pray all the ladies who are reading this succeed in their journies very soon. Just dont give up, keep at it. Every new step in your treatment or discovery of underlying issues is a step closer to your goal. I clearly remember when Dr.Gorgy bombarded me with tests worth thousands of pounds, I was about to break down but I had to hold myself strong and just try and do what was best. Although I didn’t gain any benefit from his testing but the testing of my husband’s sperm fragmentation (after completely having failed Dr.Gorgy’s treatment which I had pursued for a year and involved all sorts of crazy medication and IVs) helped me out and brought me here. Be willing to take all sorts of ways to achieve your happiness and you will get it. I had to convince my husband to go the double donor way; I had to be really open minded although if any of our parents find out they’ll probably flip lol but that doesn’t matter since this very little secret and miracle held us together and has given us so much of happiness even before coming into our arms. Praying for you all. 

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Decisions Decisions

I had tried to post 2 times last week but both the times the posts were completely blank on my blog. Maybe some fault with the web browser. Anyhow I have figured out what to do so here is an update.

We contacted 2 fertility centres in Athens and the doctors at both the clinics had the same reply for us after looking at our reports. “Your wife doesnt need a surrogate” was their reply to my husband. Surprisingly , both the clinics said the same thing!

The doctor at Serum Athens told us that sometimes an underlying infection in the body can be the cause for implantation failures and elevated cytokines. She also said that she had patients with 8-9 ivf failures who went on to have natural conceptions within a few cycles of taking a 25 day antibiotic course.  I do not want to associate too much hope with this but she recommended that we give it a go with our last embryo.

We both have been on antibiotics since the last 2 weeks and we are drained. 😑

So I will be transferring my final embryo, hoping it is the one. Lots of times it is the final embryo that becomes a healthy beautiful baby and I hope it happens in my case too. 

We have also decided that we should rely more on intralipids than IVIG because IVIG is so much more expensive and compared to its price its benefits are similar to those of intralipids. I had done some intralipids in 2015 but Dr Gorgy had put me on IVIGs since Jan 2016 and since then our bank balance has plummeted to almost nothing. 🙁

I dont care for the expense if it gets me my baby but we have no  positive result to celebrate for despite spending so much on all of this.

We have also found out that a single round of LIT in Athens cost 200 euros compared to 900 pounds in London and that air travel to Athens is half the price than that for London – so now if I do plan to travel for LIT, it will be to Athens. Finally so much of relief for us!
Waiting for AF to arrive which is due in the 1st week of Nov. Really hoping this is the one. 

Much love and prayers for all

– A

Waiting for AF. Countdown..

20 days ago when I last posted.. I was waiting to retest my cytokines. Well I did and although my result wasn’t what Dr.Gorgy wants it to be – it was quite better than earlier. So my TNF is at 39 from 59!! Phew!!!

 

What did I do differently that it dropped so quickly?

I have started taking 2 teaspoons of Extra Virgin olive oil every morning before breakfast, munching on almonds and walnuts (a handful of each everyday), still not taking milk or any poultry except for boiled eggs, eating lots of grilled fish 3 times in the week, drinking 1 table spoon of apple cider vinegar mixed in half a glass of water after breakfast, drinking home made lemonade daily and taking 1 tea spoon of turmeric powder after lunch. So this is my daily routine. It has really helped me.

I have also been exercising for half an hour thrice a week , so I have been keeping my mood well. Praise to my Lord for the wisdom and help.

Although the TNF is down to 39, Dr Gorgy wants it to be much below than 30. So here we go again Humira! Hopefully this time will be around 20 so I have a good chance of my pregnancy surviving!! Taking everything and doing everything that I can.

Asides that due to the withdrawal of the estrogen pills from my last cancelled cycle – I had a bleed about 3 weeks ago so 1 more week until AF hopefully arrives and then time to restart the transfer process.

I also got an endometrial scratch done a few days ago so hopefully my chances have been maximised.

Hoping this one sticks..

Transfer Cancelled.

First of all I’d like to thank all of you for being such loving blog followers and for all your kind words and support at all times.

Well today was supposed to be my third donor embryo transfer this year but due to the elevated cytokines, Dr. Gorgy cancelled it.

Maybe I would have wasted my embryo and got really upset by seeing another BFN despite switching to donor eggs.

So now the plan is to work on my cytokines and test in a few days time. If the result is great, I’ll transfer in the September cycle. I am beginning to think the depressing June and July trip to the in laws place made my cytokines flare. Our inner feelings really impact our health. Whenever I am positive and happy, my result turns out good or just fine. Whenever I am depressed, my result is not even worth looking at.

So now I am staying happy, eating all the anti inflammatory things , working out, keeping a positive and healthy frame of mind and above all I am keeping a strong faith. Everyone who tried as hard did really get through and get what they wanted. I should believe in myself and not let myself down. I have always wanted to see that flicker in the 6 week scan, hear the heartbeat in the Doppler, carry my baby in my belly, experience those wonderful kicks and movements, crave foods, watch those amazing ultrasounds, see my baby move, eat and jump in the scan, go to MY baby shower, mask my face with the pregnancy glow, shop for my baby while he/she is moving inside my belly and I take it as his or her approval or disapproval for things, experience the moment of delivery and child birth – when anything and everything is about you and your child, experience that moment when I hold my baby for the first time that was inside me for 9 months and keep him or her on my naked body to make my baby feel the comfort and touch of his/her mother! I want my husband to rub my belly with love and satisfaction and take care of me /us because he is happy not because we are sad and undergoing treatment. I think with such deep feelings inside I am not ready as yet for surrogacy. I am only 25 and my life is putting me through things that someone over 35 doesn’t have to go through either.

My body has got me feeling insulted and less of myself. The stares and glances of the world including of my in laws makes me feel like I am not blessed and forsaken. My husband’s younger brother who married 2 years after us had a baby girl last year -my in laws really appreciate his wife and child and make me feel very bad about myself and my body. In front of me she was given the super treatment that I always longed for but due to infertility I could only watch others pamper her and treat me with bad looks and words at the same time. I don’t have any jealousy towards anyone, I just want my fair share of happiness and importance. I was a very loving daughter in law but now it seems like I am the bad person and unimportant.

Enough depressing talk about the past, I just wish I succeed and my hard work pays off. When you cant give up..

 

 

Back after 2 months

I haven’t written since my last post in June. I was visiting my in laws for all this while and am finally back home. I don’t feel like talking much about my trip because it was full of stress and saddening days. My husband tries hard to keep us happy but of course being an Asian naturally gets me into a tough spot with the in laws because ‘I haven’t conceived’ since 6 years of marriage. Anyhow, that sad trip is over so I shouldn’t remember it now.

So I traveled to London while I was at my in laws place just to get my LIT done. I was in London for a mere 6 hours but the journey to go and be back took me a day and half. My parents supported me a lot during this time, I pretended that I was going to stay with them. It was a big step we took, but it worked out well. My LIT was done just as Dr.Gorgy wants it to be done – 2 weeks ahead of transfer! So cheers for that!

So my cycle started while I was in London – I got my Day 2 scan done and started the estrogen pills. Cant believe the 2 month waiting period has ended since my chemical pregnancy in May 2016.

I got my cytokines retested last week and they are at their highest – higher than what I was when I initially began treatment in 2015. My TH1/TH2 is at 60 now! I am very annoyed and pissed off at how nothing seems to be working. I am on a dairy free, gluten free diet. I barely eat out or even watch people eat sugary things let alone eating sugary stuff. I have completely ended my life due to the treatment – we don’t shop or spend or relax. we don’t go out for holidays. All I do is go to London for treatment leaving my husband alone at home and in the end don’t even get a result.

The truth is I am giving up now. Enough of ‘When you cant give up’. Literally all doors seem to be closing upon me. After going for donor eggs I thought my nightmare had ended and especially in May my amazing cytokine report convinced me that this was going to be it. But no – life isn’t as easy and simple. Despite controlling my diet – I am worse than ever. I do IVIG or intralipids every 3 weeks. It is financially scraping us now. I did Humira in March and even that medicine is Super expensive. S0 guess what?

Since I have already started the drugs (estrogen pills, prednisolone, clexane) and done IVIG just this week and paid for my hotel and air tickets to London – I will go ahead with my transfer. IF it doesn’t work now – I will leave my last frozen embryo in the freezer for sometime in the future and go ahead with surrogacy. Enough of hurting myself, my body, our emotions, our marriage , our young ages and our bank balance.

Final go to London for now. Pray for me guys, I am broken now.

so what now..

Ever since my chemical pregnancy, I have been away from blogging.

I just had to get back to it. So here I am. I am not good at expressing my feelings in writing – not because I can’t write – but because I feel ungrateful when I complain.

So once my period was over, I decided to go for cupping again. What a relaxing therapy it is! I went to a spa this time for my cupping session and oh it was wonderful. During the session, I felt some pressure at 2 cups. I had 11 cups on myself. When I complained to the doctor, she said “the cups where you are feeling the pressure show that you have problems in those areas and the cups you are pointing at are cleansing blood from your uterus”. I felt a huge thud when she said that. Maybe my womb really should be under question and all these years of infertility have been faced due to hidden issues in the uterus.

I had even told the doctor that every time we have intercourse, I feel a burning sensation when I pee. So she said that it could be due to pelvic inflammatory disease and it could be a strong reason for my high TNFs. She concentrated on that bit too. She put cups on me to strengthen my immune system , create new happy hormones, improve egg quality.

When my session ended, she told me that my cups had bad blood and it showed my general wellness was not too great. However she went on saying how people conceived naturally or with IVF within 3-4 cupping sessions with her on monthly basis so she told me to remain very hopeful in this wonderful treatment.

I felt fantastic after all the toxic blood was drawn out 😊

I have spoke to Dr Gorgy for a transfer in August – my body needs a break to recover. But in the meantime, I have to remain on Hydroxychloroquine and intralipids to keep my immunes under check. I am really hoping I dont need more LIT as I have already done 4 LIT sessions. I have made a test ,  hoping the results come out great. If they dont, I will have to travel to London within 2-3 weeks for 1 more session just 4 weeks before my next transfer in August.

Today I went for my intralipid infusion and on the way back I dont know what made me so mad that I just lost my mind and felt a bit lost.  We argued a bit but it was not like our previous fights 😂 it was just a random spur of anger that settled within 5-10 minutes. So I guess we are becoming better at handling our emotions and fights. Just going on and on,  when you cant give up.

The Targeted Immune approach by Dr. Gorgy

Upon reaching back home, my husband and I had a bleak day. All looked too gloomy and we felt we were super unlucky when it came to the baby making job. We didn’t know what to do, the immunes were just not giving me a break -instead of lowering they just kept getting stronger. From TNF alpha being at 40 in March 2015, after all the efforts in 2015, it had risen to 47 in Jan 2016. I was doomed.

We were growing older and my immune was growing stronger – a combination we didn’t need to get a healthy baby!

My husband did a lot of research on fertility friends and he finally found a new way out. A lot of couples who didn’t conceive for years, had a laparoscopy and they conceived naturally afterwards. We decided to give it a go too – we had ignored having a laparoscopy done and we had jumped onto fertility treatments one after the other. Maybe it was this one thing that we really needed.

We had my laparoscopy done within the next few days and the results were all clear. There were no inflammations found inside me and turned out I really didn’t need to get it done. However, we were glad we finally had it done and it was out of the way now.

Although we should have been happy about the laparoscopy results coming out great – we weren’t. We had a huge fight over it coming out all clear! We were really desperate to have a baby anyhow and we believed that I had endometriosis which was causing all the treatments to fail. Not having found endometriosis was a bad thing for us because we didn’t have a problem to cure that was preventing us from having our baby! How sad had we become! The same ghost of marrying a second time was back on my husband’s head. I was shattered.

Due to all the fights, the plan that Dr Gorgy had for me was ignored. When I had seen him in London after my failed FET, he had advised me to have an IVIG the following month and repeat a cytokines test. We were just too lost and angry to continue any further treatment.

Then again when my husband saw all the bruises on my body from the LIT and clexane shots, he felt pity and sympathy for me and felt he couldn’t abandon me and especially because I was doing anything and everything for us – It wouldn’t be fair to leave me in the middle of nowhere at such a young age.

We had a telephone conversation with Dr Gorgy because we felt only doing IVIG wasn’t helping me. So he advised me to take hydroxychloroquine 200 mg twice a day, Vitamin D 5000 I.U daily (for my vitamin D deficiency – even Vitamin D deficiency can cause immunes to spike and stop implantation from happening) and to administer 1 IVIG or intralipid infusion and then retest my cytokines.

After 1 month of hydroxychloroquine and 2 weeks after my intralipid infusion (IVIG is too expensive to be done all the time) – I retested my cytokines and they were still at 47! I was literally doomed and hopeless! We had read lots of success stories about hydroxychloroquine doing wonders for women and it had even enabled a woman to have a baby after 20 miscarriages but I was just the unluckiest infertile patient ever!

I had a telephone appointment with DR. Gorgy and he set me up on a rigorous new plan:

  1. Humira shot 1
  2. 2 weeks later Humira shot 2
  3. 10 days later 1 IVIG
  4. Test cytokines 3 weeks days later
  5. 2 LIT sessions in between all this
  6. Hydroxychloroquine 200 mg twice daily

This was a very intense plan and I immediately started on it. It took me 7 weeks to complete it from March -April.

I had to travel to London just for LIT between this time period, God bless my husband for bearing all the expenses and my sister for being so welcoming and caring always. When I was in London for my LIT, my sister advised me to just go for 1 cupping session. Cupping was an old religious way to healing used by the prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and it cleans the toxic blood from our bodies making medicines work on our bodies better. It makes the body feel extremely relaxed and pure after the session. I decided to give it a go – maybe the hydroxychloroquine would work better on me after the toxic blood was out of me. So i gave it a go and I felt amazing after the session – I had had massages done in brilliant spas in the past and they hadn’t been as soothing as this 40 pound session of just 20 minutes! The doctor at the cupping place sincerely advised me on my diet. Although I had been on the gluten free and sugar free diet since May 2015 – It wasn’t really a perfect diet that I was following. For instance, I was eating rice daily and no bread but I wasn’t concentrating on what rice I was eating! I was having white rice which is loaded with sugar! I should have been taking brown rice and that would be perfect for a gluten free sugar free claimed diet.Secondly, I was consuming red meat on a daily basis (I was doing this for a protein rich diet, I had stopped taking chicken since a few years ever since I found out I had PCOs because commercial farms inject tonnes of hormones into chickens ). Red meat can cause severe inflammations in the body – this was possibly making my immunes go higher and I wasn’t realizing! The doctor advised me start a vegetable and lentil based diet and to stop eating red meat so much. Then she also advised me to control my dairy consumption! When I was on my IVF protocol with the ARGC, they had advised me to drink 1 litre of milk and 3-4 litres of water daily. This amount of dairy consumption made me gain some healthy weight and overall my hair and skin became amazing. I loved this new bit in me after years of weight loss, hair loss and dullness of skin due to the all fertility drugs, treatments and depression. I had continued this regime ever since October 2015 and it was March 2016 – it was all clear as to why my immunes kept going higher even though I was on so many infusions and drugs to lower them! Diet is really important, I cannot stress it enough!

So basically I had only been boasting and fooling around thinking I was on a gluten free and sugar free diet! My diet was basically loaded with gluten and sugar containing foods without knowing. I was such a bad mess. I started a pure diet now, vegetable and protein based. No more white rice and no milk, cheese, butter whatsoever. 3 litres of water daily (big achievement for me because I could barely drink 1.5 litres until a year ago). Lots of almonds and walnuts. Fatty fish twice a week. Lots of lentils for protein and only brown rice at all times.

Dr Gorgy wanted me to have an embryo transfer in the cycle as soon as this protocol was completed. He also advised me to start Prednisolon 40 mg and Clexane 40 mg daily from day 5 of my cycle then on day 7 to have another IVIG infusion.

Too many expenses and medicines were blasted upon us. he he.

Finally the protocol was completed and I was all set to retest my cytokines. Some issue happened at the laboratory and my blood was not able to be checked for the cytokines! So we just decided to ignore the testing for now and go ahead with the transfer. AF arrived and so began the estrogen pills, clexane, prednisolone for the FET scheduled in May 2016.I did IVIG infusion on day 7 as instructed and I was ready for London all over again to bring my baby back home.