We moved overseas in 2013 and although I was excited at first within a few days the loneliness and emptiness in my house affected me severely. Every day when my husband would be leaving for work; I used to have a sudden feeling of loneliness that would want me to stop him from going because I would have nothing to do but to unpack loads of cartons and set up a lonely empty house. I had always enjoyed decorating but for some reason at this point; I was lacking the passion to decorate my house. It was a new country, new house, new neighbors, new supermarkets to do grocery from, new dry cleaners, the entire environment around us had changed. I didn’t have my friends or family with me to support me during this phase. I was a complete loner; I was still a stay home wife and my house was silent. Pin drop silent.
I longed the cries of my baby and his/her movements around our new house. I even decorated my room keeping in mind the place for the baby’s crib and the baby’s rocker. My entire life seemed to be dependent upon the happiness and liveliness a baby’s arrival would bring to my house. Life was on a hold already. My life had always been fast paced and happening; I had never waited for anything to happen and suddenly the feeling of being ‘infertile’ was killing me and I was not able to do much about it.
A month after the move; my beloved sister’s husband passed away from Cancer. She was only 27 and had two daughters with him; Aged 4 and 2. I was grief stricken and I decided to visit my sister for a whole month to support her and help her cope with the sadness. I started to hate on life, it was full of sadness for almost everyone. Everyone seemed to be facing difficulty of one kind or the other. Some were sick, some lost their parents at a young age like my sister’s kids, some saw the deaths of their spouses, some were child less like me, some had nothing to eat or drink due to poverty and some were refugees and had lost entire families in wars. I didn’t enjoy living at all; My old spirit kept dying and I stopped smiling. I continued to lose weight due to the heavy metformin and depression. From 52 kgs I became 48 kgs and I looked like a sick and starved person. It seemed like my life was stuck in a bad cycle; One bad thing lead to another.
I had to find a gynecologist also; Everything was just new. Nothing could be the same, life had changed way too much. My sister’s sadness drove me mad and I had to face my own sadness of being childless and lonely in a completely new country. My parents and my siblings didn’t know about my infertility struggle so I didn’t have anyone asides my husband to talk to. He himself was adjusting to living in a new environment so I tried not to bother him as much as I could.
We found a gynecologist near home and although he wasn’t what we really wanted for our doctor to be; We decided on doing clomid rounds all over again. I was 22 only so any 1 cycle with proper ovulation had to work. We took clomid all over again for 3 cycles and we used OPK’s to track ovulation and had timed intercourse. During the 2WW, I used to insert progesterone suppositories for the first 10 days of the luteal phase. Every cycle it used to be saddening when I would see a negative pregnancy test and have a painful period at the end.
Happiness had stopped coming our way; It seemed to have diverted from my home to somewhere I wasn’t able to find it. Life was under complete darkness and I felt like running away. Running far away from everyone and everything and without stopping. Even under bright sun light, my life seemed as dark and bleak as a prisoner’s. I didn’t know what to do and how to handle myself or my emotions. I tried looking for a job but with my high school qualification it was almost impossible to find a decent job that my husband would allow me to do. I tried to keep myself busy with cooking , reading the newspaper, watching the television but nothing impressed me or made me happy. I lost the reason to wake up in the mornings and sometimes I used to be sleeping until noon. 😦 Waking up so late caused me to sleep late at night and I would stay up until dawn sometimes; Crying silently and thinking about my infertility and sad lonely life. The sadness and weight loss made me lose my appetite even more. I stopped eating and drinking and taking care of myself. I didn’t even realize what I was doing to myself and how I was worsening my chances by doing all those silly things.
I should have got up and joined a gym to work out which would have helped me increase my appetite, made me sleep better, reduced my stress levels and helped me to have a positive energy filled attitude. I was a mess and not impressive anymore. As I type; I realize what a depressing sight I must have become for my dear loving husband who would come home tired from work and the long office commute. I resent those days of my life and I hope no one ever falls into the mess I had fell in as I continued to let infertility ruin my precious young age.
On the other hand; My husband was always looking for ways to help us. By the summer of 2013 We thought about doing another ICSI/IVF. Before trying my husband just wanted to get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done on me to check if my tubes were okay and there were no blockages. We had a HSG done in July 2013 and it came out perfectly fine. Amidst all the sadness, just one thing coming out to be fine raised my spirits again! We thought about the expenses associated with IVF/ICSI and now we even knew that my tubes were working well so we decided that we didn’t really need IVF. Maybe what we really needed was IUI so that the sperm was up close to the egg to fertilize it at the right time.
In August 2013, with lots of hope and happiness for the future, we had our 3rd IUI. It resulted in a BFN but we were so happy and positive from the results of the HSG that I felt ready to do another IUI in Spetember 2013. And again, it was a BFN for us.
I wanted to take my mind off all the fertility treatments and wanted to do something about my future since it seemed like waiting to have kids , waiting for ovulation, waiting for 2 weeks to test for pregnancy, waiting for AF if the test was negative, again waiting for ovulation etc was way too much to handle and involved too much of waiting. It practically was like waiting for sun up and sun down, nothing else. I hated how I was waiting on everything, My life was on a complete pause. Everything and anything revolved around having a baby. For instance, once I had gone for a body massage, I told the therapist not to massage my stomach hoping I would be pregnant and I didn’t want anything going wrong that would stop implantation from happening! I literally became physically inactive in the 2WW just because I was ‘trying’ to maximize my chances of conception! I was really going crazy and had brought my life to a complete stop just to be pregnant. I used to feel sad that I was wasting my life waiting for something I didn’t even know would ever happen to me or not. So, I signed up for the University of London International Program. I wanted to hold a Bachelors degree and not feel stupid among people who held their Masters or multiple bachelor degrees. It was time to help myself instead of sulking all the time. I began my independent studies at home since it was an online degree. I used to study for atleast 12 hours a day, it kept my mind off my sadness and now I started sleeping well again. I started waking up early and tried really hard to pass my exams with good grades. Although the intense studying was stressful for me, it was helping me to stay away from crying to sleep every night. At that point that was all that mattered to me; I wanted to remain sane.
Please continue to read what happened further down in 2014. More on that later.