Stepping ahead

So I have been testing everyday since 6 days post FET. All have been negative. But I am really not devastated. Even before I had made my first test this go, I had decided that no matter what the outcome.. we will raise a child be it from my belly or some other route.

Just minutes later I knew my result and I knew what to do. Personally speaking I am so happy I made that decision because that very decision had me smiling on the day of my negative test. True wonder.

For the first time in so many months or years I feel relieved of the stress or pressure to fall pregnant. I now realise what levels of hidden stress I was facing. I am noticing that I am very chatty since the last 2 days and hey I am sleeping way better. I also feel life is too pleasant not to be enjoyed… I have truly missed out on a lot. Whenever friends or family told me not to take stress … I never really understood that I was facing hidden stress asides the stress that I was actually facing. Does what I am saying make sense? I am sure you all understand where I am coming from.

I have been questioning myself…

Q) If any of my fertile friends were to face all the treatments that I have without gaining any success.. what would have she done?

A) she would have opted for a surrogate baby after the first few failed ivfs and never done this life threatening immunes treatment. (I haven’t created this answer myself). My friends say it all the time that we can never think of what you are doing to yourself. At those difficult heart breaking moments I used to think ‘you guys dont know the entire picture. But if you were to face my situation you would have tried as hard also because failing without trying is harder than failing after having tried so hard’.

Q) Do I want a baby who is from a surrogate but healthy or a baby who is from me but not healthy (a friend’s child has Downs Syndrome)?

A) My immediate answer was a healthy baby

So its clear now. To be honest I am even beginning to think if I am infertile at all. Our 50% DQA match is the reason why I havent been able to conceive in my last 9 treatments or in the last 5 years. My husband and I are too used to eachother to start of new lives with different partners, we have spent 6 years together building this arranged marriage into a healthy loving marriage. We have passed through times of extreme tight account balance and yet managed to pass through all of it constantly trying to save up for medical bills. We have passed through tough times when my in-laws tried to force him against me and break us apart. We have endured everything together and for eachother. I just want to hold a baby now, who will most probably be his child but from a surrogate. I am not going to rely on my eggs anymore or do any further treatments based on my eggs because I am polycystic and too paranoid about failures. Right now I just want a bundle of joy.

Just to enjoy 9 months of pregnancy, I have not enjoyed 5 years of my beautiful young age (21-26) when I could have achieved so much emotionally, spiritually, financially , materialisticaly and of course professionally.

We have found a surrogacy agency in Greece, where we had our honeymoon. Guess the honeymoon place always has something to do with the couple’s future. Starting the legal documenting process this week. Wish us luck and remember us in your prayers.

Some of the fellow bloggers were quite supportive in my last post. Thank you for making me realise that surrogacy is not giving up it means moving a step forward. Thank you for being such good friends who I doubt I will ever meet but pray for at odd times. May all of us be blessed soon with our bundle of joys.

 

Cheers

 

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The ups and downs from September – December 2012

I went to see a new fertility specialist for my IVF, we had heard lots of good reviews about him through family and friends. His name was Dr Pankaj Shrivastav and he worked at his private clinic in Sharjah, UAE. We used to reside in Dubai so it was an hour’s commute to get to his clinic, Conceive Gynaecology and Fertility Hospital. Dr Pankaj had helped my husband’s aunt conceive her twins 18 years ago after 13 years of marriage and he had also helped a family friend conceive his son 14 years ago after 10 years of marriage. I was really happy about these results and I had a feeling that Dr Pankaj will help me through too.

He saw our reports and wasn’t too sure about IVF yet because it hadn’t been a year yet since my husband and I started trying for a baby. I insisted on doing an IVF and I told him that my AF was due within a week and I wanted to attempt right away. I was impatient because I had always wanted to be a young mother. He got some tests done and sure enough my Insulin was very high because I wasn’t regular with my metformin. He put me on 3 metformins a day and callled me in on Day 2 of my cycle.

I was very excited because I just kept telling myself, “It will happen now. There is no way it shouldn’t happen now”. My faith in God had started to dwindle and I just knew my doctor will help me out of this 😦 I am not very proud about that feeling and I still regret my disbelief in my Lord.

AF surely did arrive on time and we started our IVF protocol. I was on the short protocol and so it was much quicker. Since it was our very first attempt, we were scared to administer the injections ourselves at home and we used to go all the way to a laboratory to do the injections. We were really naive at almost everything. I was ready for the ovulation shot within 12-14 days and the egg collection day arrived. We were really excited and just felt it was our turn to be parents. Since it was a short protocol, 7 eggs were collected and 5 got fertilized. The doctor met us before we left the clinic and he told us that the egg quality wasn’t great and he had decided to do ICSI for us instead of IVF. My heart sank a bit but since we really didn’t have much knowledge – we ignored the egg quality talk and went back home looking forward to our news.

We had a Day 2 transfer of 2 embryos and both were 2 cell, they should have been 4 cell that day. None of the other embryos had survived. Of course, these were terrible results but I still didn’t quite believe that it won’t happen – I always believed in miracles. Sure enough when we tested the Beta hCG, I wasn’t pregnant. It was a sad day for us but we were not ready to give up yet and I was determined more than ever to just be pregnant. We decided on doing round 2 of  ICSI that cycle and began looking forward to it so the sadness didn’t really last.

It was a short protocol again and we used to go to the laboratory everyday for the injections. We both regret those daily trips to the laboratory even today. It began to be stressful now since we had done the same just a few weeks before and it seemed like our daily routine now.

The egg collection day arrived finally and we had 10 eggs collected, 8 fertilized and again the doctor complained about the egg quality. I kept my faith in my Lord strong and went on to hope for the best. We had our transfer on Day 2 and this time we transferred 3 embryos. 2 of them were 2 cell and 1 was 4 cell. The 4 cell raised my spirit and gave me lots of hope. I believed in my miracle and started to wait to test the Beta hCG in 2 weeks.

2 weeks passed and we tested. My hCG levels were at 7. I was so naive that I was thrilled and so was my husband. We thought that our embryo had made it and we were pregnant now! We were absolutely delighted and I spoke to my doctor on the phone. He of course knew what my case was like so he clearly told me that it was going to be a chemical pregnancy. My heart sank when I heard that but I didn’t let myself get upset over it. I began to hope for the best and retested for my hcg levels after 2 days, it was at 9 now. I was happy that my baby was growing. At that point we didn’t know that the hcg is supposed to double every second day. We retested and the hcg was 11 now. I didn’t think it was going to end, a day later AF arrived and I was down in the dumps.

Stress is bad for fertility and I was too upset to handle my situation with peace. My determination to have a baby while we both were young was killing me and I was just not ready to give up. Sometimes I regret those feelings, I should have been confident about my future and kept myself and my husband stress free. Instead of a second ICSI, we should have gone on a holiday and relaxed ourselves and maybe the relaxed mind would have helped us more.

I should have had a proper protocol of vitamins and metformin for 3-5 months before attempting my first IVF. I just rushed into everything and it got me nothing. Now I was stressed and depressed more than ever

We decided to take a break from all the treatments for a while and take it slow – we reverted to trying normally. We were planning to move overseas in January 2013 so I began to pack up and kept myself distracted with that.