Where have I been…

I really feel so bad for not being able to document from Mohammad’s first year on my blog. I feel I could have written so much about his firsts and I just did not realise at that time that documenting those feelings here would have preserved them in their true emotional sense for me forever but I feared writing about it all as I felt I could hurt my fellow bloggers who would be chasing their dreams. I am now sitting down just to update my blog. Its been a year and 17 days today since I gave birth to Baby Mohammad.

He is now trying to walk and waves hello or bye bye (depending on what he thinks of it) all the time. He is clapping and joins us amidst our laughs without fail. He always tries to be a part of the family laugh and not only that, he laughs with me when I make laughing sounds to hear him laugh. I feel like I have found a friend already and I love this friend with all my heart and soul.

I love his beautiful hair, his smile and laughter that melts my heart and has filled my home. I want time to pause and I want to enjoy this phase as much as possible while of course raising a baby can become frustrating at times aswell so I am extremely glad time has flown. I stopped pumping 2 months ago and I am so glad I pumped fed my baby for 9 months. Praise to the Lord. We had terrible colic since the start and finally when he was 6 months I realised I wasnt giving him enough gripe water as recommended so I started following the packet instructions and stopped following my motherly instinct that a dropper full of 5ml of gripe water was “Too much” for a small baby. Eversince we have had devoured bottles of gripe water and life has been all smiles finally. Phew

Baby M has 6 teeth and I am so glad he is 1 now, it does get easier. It really really does.

We celebrated his 1st birthday and he is a true car lover so that was the birthday theme. Enjoy the pictures and dont miss out on the cake cutting crying fit. 😂

I sincerely wish everybody had a good year and almost everybody found solutions to their questions like I found mine (in my case infertility and colic). I hope everybody is chasing their dreams and trying hard without giving up. Soon I will be starting treatment for baby # 2 and I hope that very journey is smooth for me and my family. Please remember me in your prayers and I hope and wish you all the very best.

Lactation consultant meeting summarised

I sincerely hope everyone is doing well and everyone is chasing their dreams with hope and trust.

So I took my baby to the lactation consultant in the hospital he was born after having cancelled 10 scheduled appointments with her.

She asked me to completely stop feeding from the bottle, stop the pacifier and feed him through spoon and use the supplement nursing system (SNS) by Medela. She also recommended skin to skin at all times to increase my supply and to help him to latch. I didnt stop the bottle or the pacifier. 1) when he was born he was 5lbs and he really needed to gain so I believe the bottle helped him gain. Hence I could not ditch the bottle -the bottle is my son’s true buddy. 2) My son has severe colic issues so I really need to use the pacifier.

However I started skin to skin before every attempt to breastfeed and I tried the spoon and the supplement system.

The spoon was a complete failure – he spat everything out thinking I was giving him his colic medicine and the SNS was a failure as he does not latch. The SNS is basically for babies who latch but the moms dont have enough milk supply.

So the skin to skin was my only option and it actually helped. The very first time I tried it, he immediately went down to my boob and tried to lick. I took him and got him to latch. This was a success. I started by doing it once a day and then it went up to thrice a day. Which for me is a big deal. So he started nursing for a total of an hour daily. I was happy but I wanted more success.

Ten days after he suddenly stopped nursing again and I could not get him to latch at all. Same crying business over the boob and same frustrating result of not nursing at all. Our follow up with the consultant was 2 weeks from the first appointment and we had no progress to show anymore.

The consultant saw his behavior and her remarks were “Nursing him in the last 2 weeks has made him more averse and now he is totally nipple confused. He will refuse the boob now and its a little late for this to work out now.”

I was really sad but she made me feel comfortable by reminding me that he is totally happy and healthy with his current diet and I should not get depressed over such an issue that wont even matter once his solids start.

I have made peace with this situation and I am just enjoying the snuggles and coos now.

On a positive note, my MIL finally left last week and I feel very relaxed and happy now. I am actually getting to spend time with my husband and son. I am able to pump in the living room with freedom now and also feed my son his bottle at the same time (thanks to a fellow blogger to tell me about the expression bustier). I am also really enjoying feeding my child as much as I can provide, it is my Lord’s will, I will be happy with it.

Thanks to all of you ladies for your advice and time in my last post. I really appreciate all your love and kindness. You all made me feel comfortable about not having enough milk supply for my child. Thank you my lovelies.

By the 1st of February my child will be 3 months old, Lord willing. I am wondering where time flew while I was worrying about silly latch issues. 😂

Much love,

A

Baby Mohammad is 2 months old today.

Happy New Year my lovelies! 

2017 was a brilliant year for me and my husband and with the birth of our child it became even better.

Baby Mohammad is 2 months old today (posting a week late today) and I cannot believe HOW time flew and I managed to get through.

First, he is a great baby. He doesnt fuss too much. He will be happy at all times. Rather, he gave me his first smile when he was as little as just 1 week old in November 2017. However my child doesnt latch onto me. He latched for 3 hours as soon as he was born but there was no colostrum and so my baby became super hungry and cried BADLY. We sent him off to the nursery the very night he was born to be fed formula. 😓

I didnt know at that time that my breastfeeding journey would be difficult aswell after having faced a 6 year long infertility struggle. When I was pregnant I was so ready to breastfeed and had just bought a few bottles to use for outings etc. However, I had to order more bottles as we got home and my baby is completely bottle fed.

My mom had not come for my delivery and hence I was more confused than ever and didnt know how to handle the situation. My husband had the idea to buy me a breast pump so that the colostrum would flow out as after the 1st latch immediately after being born, he would cry on just smelling my boob. It would be HORRENDOUS. 

I tried a lot to get him to latch and when he was 2 weeks old I made him cry as much as he could and forced him to latch. He just wouldnt. I didnt give up and kept him on the boob forcefully and kept squeezing milk out and yet the child wouldnt latch and cried louder and louder. I feel bad for all that. It was traumatic but I wanted to help us and I wanted to make him latch as I was always pumping while our caretaker would hold him or bottle feed him. My supply was nil to be honest. It would depress me a lot and not being able to hold him depressed me even more and I can say I went through postpartum depression. I would cry everyday seeing my baby and when I would finally be able to hold him, his 5 pound weak body would make me cry even more.
I still cannot forget how tiny and weak he was and how much he cried when I forced him to latch. I cannot just get over it. After that traumatic incident I felt for 1 whole hour my child was breathing quickly and was scared by me. So I decided to stop forcing him to latch despite all the stupid pressure put on me from all my aunts and my crazy mother in law (who has come since I delivered and even after 2 whole months of staying with us has no plans of traveling back home 😓).

My mother in law has not been of any help rather her presence forced me into deeper depression as my husband would spend time with his mom while I would just be locked up in my room pumping a very low supply out. She would stare in my expressed milk bottles and panic “omg such less milk” “omg blah blah”. To summarise, crazy lady made me crazier and I didnt enjoy the new mommy phase at all. I regret but I blame my husband for having her over for so long and for not giving me any time and just being aloof of all that I was facing.

2 weeks after birth I broke down and told him about my situation since clearly somebody was too lost spending time with their mom.

After that he became better and gave me lots of help. However, the supply is still a big issue and baby latches sometimes. He started to ask for the boob himself and sometimes nurses for 20 mins in the day, sometimes 40 mins and sometimes just 5 mins in the day. Sometimes Not at all.

I am just expressing and trying my level best. I have power pumped to increase my supply but still I only manage 14 ounces a day and the rest is formula.

I have ordered these supplements and have started them today. I HOPE they help and my expressing journey will become a lot easier with the increase in supply.

Mohammad has started sleeping longer at nights and since 2 weeks he is just waking up twice at night. I will bottle feed him , change his diaper and put him to sleep than I express. Then I sleep. My husband is always around to help. Sometimes he bottle feeds while I pump. Sometimes he bottle feeds while I nap and then he wakes me up to burp him and change his diaper. I LOVE my husband for all his help. 

I really wish my child latches as I really want to have this ‘mommy son time’ but so far I havent been lucky enough. Infertility broke my heart and now this.

My son’s favorite time is massage time followed by a bath. He loves water going down his neck and usually just lifts his head up to reveal his neck more so that I can put water there. He looks so adorable especially because he waits patiently with his head lifted sideways for me to fill the jug up and pour on him. Sigh. I just want to cuddle him and be able to spend all my time with him and hate pumping milk especially because I dont carry him while I pump. I would love tips on pumping, so please feel free to bombard me. Tee hee
I have had lots of blocked ducts and lots of days where I would be in pain so once daily I use hot water bottles to compress my boob. I feel it helps.

At times I feel like breaking down and feel like a failure especially because I couldnt get him to latch onto me but then again I feel my child feels my depressed mood and gives me a huge smile which lits up my heart. He actually looks at me no matter where I am standing and will get my attention and beam a smile at me.

My husband says hes healthy so its not the end of the world if he doesnt latch. He says your difficult struggle with infertility has ended so this is a very petty issue. But I am ‘when you cant give up’ so I am finally going to see a lactation consultant after having cancelled 10 scheduled appointments since his birth for silly reasons.

I hope things work out for us and I hope I find sheer happiness and come out of this depressed state which hits me at times just because I dont get to be as much with my awaited child as I really want to be. For now I am grateful he is healthy and growing and I am able to pump 14 ounces for him.

A week from today…

A week from today when I was 36+6 on 31st October 2017, my waters broke suddenly while I was out shopping for maternity pants! Imagine the coincidence!
We rushed back home, had dinner and packed our hospital bag lol. I had planned to pack my hospital bag that very night and this is what I was doing. Only difference being that I was in labor already!

We got to the ER and my OB was informed. We were admitted to the L & D department and I was checked. I was 1cm dilated and did not have any contractions. I was induced and within the next 2 hours my contractions started. After 6 hours of contracting, I was nearly brought to my knees and thats when I gave in to take the epidural! What a miracle of a drug it is!

After 6 more hours our Baby Mohammad was delivered healthily and weighed about 5 pounds. I am absolutely filled with love and cry almost everyday thinking of the past I faced. My in laws are really nice now and I must say my faith in my Lord’s mercy and blessings has heightened. The Lord really does show His strength and knows when we are about to give up. With His power He aids us and elevates us and it was through Him that I became When you cant give up and now a mother after all the failures and difficult days.

Have faith and continue on your journeys with complete trust in His plan for you. May everyone succeed in their journeys and they lead beautiful happy lives.

My baby is taking up all my time and I might not post at all. However, wordpress emails reach my inbox so I shall always be notified if anyone contacts me or checks upon us.

Love

When you cant give up

Revealed!

So I had not been able to post our crib wall pictures at 30 weeks or 32 weeks, I am posting at 33+5 because our wall decor was lost in the mail and instead went to a completely different city after which our house street is named. Who could have ever imagined that happening? Luckily, the mail was tracked and we have it and even more luckily it is not damaged or broken. Phew. Now we are planning to put it up this weekend or maybe the next, depending on our moods hehe. However, I am attaching a picture of the decor which will REVEAL the gender!
  

 This was the box of the decor. I just could not resist not sharing this cute printed box. We ordered customised letters of the baby’s name with them and they did a truly magnificient job. They had a 100 different options to choose from and it was truly hard to pick one which was our favorite!
         

                          REVEALED! 

Yes! Its our darling litle boy! I have shuffled the letters of the name for now but I just had to reveal the gender to you all! Let me know what your gender guesses were! 

Finally, below is the crib and wardrobe picture for him and some other decor which is already up!

We only have 4 books for now but Mommy and Papa shall be buying more for the little one, Lord willing. The letters will be stuck just behind the crib. The sheets and cushions are still packed away as I am very paranoid about dust accumulating hehe. I hope you all liked the setup. The complete crib picture will be shared after 36 weeks, Lord willing.

Pregnancy wise I am still doing very well but since last weekend my feet have started to swell up terribly and I am getting used to the swollen feet for now. Just going to be positive about it all because I am ‘When you cant give up’.

Love for all my lovelies and prayers for all.

Xx

28 weeks. 10 short ones to go.

So it is Me, the hopeless case of all the 15 doctors I visited in the last 6 years to get pregnant, who is posting this. I hit 28 weeks yesterday.

In my last post when I was 21 weeks, I wrote that I would be visiting my OB that week, I felt I was going in for the anatomy scan but I was not. I did not know a special appointment had to be made for that. 😑 So I was disappointed that I could not have the scan then but we got an appointment for a month later and finally at 24+3 we had the anatomy scan. I was so scared when the scan was in progress and especially seeing the baby’s heart pump so fast made me feel my own heart would stop any minute due to the surmounted fear I was feeling. I was just not able to breathe. I realised at that very instant how weak we humans are, just when this very heart stops beating a person is no more. I felt entirely grateful to my Lord for giving this beating heart to my child and making this child for us. This very soul and life for our empty lives to become joyful.

So now I am 28 weeks and just ever so ready to become this baby’s mommy. I have been keeping myself busy preparing the house for the much awaited arrival. Cleared out a lot of junk and made space for the little one’s things. We have bought a crib and a wardrobe and set them up in our room. We wont be making a nursery yet as we want our little one as close to us as possible but I will be decorating the wall behind the crib, which will begin in 2 weeks, Lord willing. Images shall be shared and the gender will be revealed through the pictures 😉

Finally, today I drank my very first cup of red raspberry leaf tea. I have read a lot about its benefits in tightening the uterus bed muscles for labor and post delivery recovery. If you are interested then start 1 cup a day from 28 weeks and increase to 2 at 32 weeks. I hope it proves beneficial and really does help.

Hope everyone is keeping well. Love to all.

20 weeks on 5th July. Late update

Sorry my lovelies for being late but I had made a post and by mistake it went to the drafts whereas I thought I had published it. Well now I am 21w4days but I reached the half way milestone and now I am finally believing the reality. After years of infertility and heartbreak, being pregnant is not easy at all. It makes it even tougher to accept it and enjoy it.

I will be going in for a scan and check up next week FINALLY. We had planned to go at 24 weeks but I guess its okay to go at 22 weeks, I just want to see my baby kick and turn.

I hope everyone is pursuing their journey to happiness with patience and succeeds. I pray for all the struggling ones to succeed and not be disheartened.

Pray for us and I shall post about my OB visit next week, Lord willing.

❤ you all

16 weeks…

So I am 16 weeks today, Praise is for my Lord. I have not gone to my OB since my surgery at 13 weeks to drain the swelling from the PIO shots and my husband read up on the internet that getting too many scans is not safe for the baby so he is not planning to take me for a scan until I am 24 weeks. I really do not know how I will wait for 8 more weeks but for my child’s health I’ll bear this and keep missing seeing him or her. On a positive note, I am starting to show a bit now and my breasts have grown quite a bit so its pretty reassuring. So now its confirmed I wont be able to know the gender for another 8 weeks so no shopping until then. ☹

Oh well, I am just grateful I am finally able to look forward to this after years of heartbreak and trying. I pray all the ladies who are reading this succeed in their journies very soon. Just dont give up, keep at it. Every new step in your treatment or discovery of underlying issues is a step closer to your goal. I clearly remember when Dr.Gorgy bombarded me with tests worth thousands of pounds, I was about to break down but I had to hold myself strong and just try and do what was best. Although I didn’t gain any benefit from his testing but the testing of my husband’s sperm fragmentation (after completely having failed Dr.Gorgy’s treatment which I had pursued for a year and involved all sorts of crazy medication and IVs) helped me out and brought me here. Be willing to take all sorts of ways to achieve your happiness and you will get it. I had to convince my husband to go the double donor way; I had to be really open minded although if any of our parents find out they’ll probably flip lol but that doesn’t matter since this very little secret and miracle held us together and has given us so much of happiness even before coming into our arms. Praying for you all. 

13 weeks on 17th May.

I reached the 13th week of my pregnancy on 17th May and it was going to be the last week of my PIO shots. However, it didnt turn out the way it should have.

Ever since I started my PIO shots I had small lumps develop in the areas I was taking the shots. To settle them I used to use a cold pack prior to administering and a heat pack later. It used to settle the lumps a bit and although they would still be there, they would not be as big when I wouldn’t use the packs at all.

So when I reached 11 weeks, 1 of the lumps became super big because I neglected using the packs. I had my inlaws over for 2 weeks so hence the carelessness. I also was quite used to the PIO shots by then and my lumps were behaving well so I didnt worry too much. The lump became big and I started to use the heat and cold packs multiple times in a day and it would become small but get big all over again. I cannot even explain the height of ignorance here. I mean a lump not going away is alarming but I knew it was the shots and my shots were gonna end so I was fine and bearing it all. Even the PAIN.

Then in the middle of my 12th week, green pus started to come out. I still didnt bother telling my OB about it despite having an appointment at 12 weeks. The pus continued for 4 days until I became 13 weeks and thats when it alarmed my husband! He immediately rushed me to the Emergency and the Drs there told us on spot that I needed a surgery!!

I was panic stricken. I couldn’t even think about a surgery while being pregnant after years of infertility and heartbreak. My husband and I were devastated. The surgery was to be done under general anaesthesia which had a small chance of putting my pregnancy and baby at risk. The pain I have seen before getting this child meant I couldn’t even take a risk of 1% on my tiny child of 13 weeks! We made 100s of phone calls. To my parents, to his mom, to our OB, to his close cousin who lives nearby and to the Dr at Serum, Athens. My parents called their close doctor friends and his mom to her doctor relatives. There were confusing replies from all. The adults in family and relative doctors advised against general anaesthesia and the OB, Serum Dr. and emergency Dr. said general anaesthesia did have a risk but it would be needed to operate the painful surgery. We were left confused. 

While we waited 6 hours for my surgery and with lots of google search, I decided to go for the surgery under local anaesthesia and being fully conscious. It was a mother’s choice for her precious pregnancy.

I cannot explain the fear I felt throughout the surgery. I was especially more scared because the Dr. had said it would be painful. I kept shivering during the surgery and the nurses kept hot blankets over me and a heater near my legs. I kept remembering my Lord’s name throughout reminding myself how He is merciful and doesnt do anything which is bad for us or beyond our capacity to bear. It took around 45 minutes for the entire thing and finally I was done.

I was relieved I bore the pain for my child and didn’t do anything that could have been dangerous for my pregnancy or child’s future.

I have been going to the hospital for daily dressings and I am in lots of pain. The wound is healing, praise to the Lord and the pain is settling day after day. 

I am just grateful this is over and my pregnancy is safe. After what happened and the fear we felt at the moment when we were deciding regarding the surgery, this baby has become even dearer. Funny thing is my Fil who always told my husband that he was worried for him for being childless and hence wanted him to remarry, did not bother to call us even once when we faced this grave difficulty while being pregnant with our dear child. His mom called us 50 times literally (I could paste pictures of screenshots of her call times).

So all the ladies who read this, please tell me. Did any of you face the lumps I faced from the PIO shots? I was quite okay until the 11th week and it only deteriorated afterwards. Usually women only take PIO shots until the 10th or 11th weeks so maybe because I was on them for such a long time I faced this? I dont know, I am just relieved that the obnoxious shots are over!!!!

Praising my Lord, now 12 weeks!!

Dear ladies,

First of all I love it and was truly touched when I found out my fellow bloggers were waiting for an update from my side since my last scan. I myself get concerned when either of you doesn’t blog for sometime and there is no update to satisfy my heart with so I start looking up for the person’s blog and look for signs of update hehe.I pray for all of you every morning to have your miracles and for your difficulties to end really soon with the Lord’s mercy.

So the update is Baby is now 12 weeks!!

We heard the lovely heartbeat and fell in love with how he or she was changing and flipping sides. Gosh too adorable!! The baby was sucking its thumb and looked like a little baby snuggled in a hammock! 

Please remember us in your prayers and you all are in mine. In about 4 weeks we will find out the gender when I will be 16 weeks, Lord willing.